still holding on - 5

[HPoirot]

HP... any advise on how on earth to still live together???

Hello T-Mom. I'm very very sorry that you are here.

I did look at your sitch. That is awful what your H said to you about seeing other people. Awful and wrong.

I have made many many mistakes since my BD. Mostly b/c of my anger. At my W for not dropping her OM relationship (even though I understand as I had my own A). But I'm finding I'm angry more and more at myself too. She gave me so many opportunities to fix this and I was clueless.

To your question... living with the WAS you've got to be your best self in front of him. More honest... more strong... more positive... more happy... more poised... more together... more patient... more loving... more you. This is likely the best opportunity you'll ever have to break through to your best self and your best life. I've always known pain is the best motivator. I thought I had experienced that before. I had no idea until now.

So, in my very humble opinion, I suggest to create a written fantastic vision for your life a year from now. Where YOU want to be with or without WAS. Make some short term plans to get there. Start moving towards them today. Make a small goal to get there everyday. Small easy successes so you can start to feel good right away. Keep your mind there as much as you can and keep going. Stay present by looking forward and working to get there. Just keep busy on improving your life. Give it a purpose. GAL, 180s, any complains you've heard from WAS... write then down and then work on them daily.

Then, when you interact with your WAS, be upbeat as much as possible. Act as if every interaction will be pleasant even enjoyable. Be enjoyable b/c you have a life to look forward to... you have a vision. If WAS is down and crying... listen but don't comfort. Stand away from arms length of WAS, lean back not forward, keep a poker face, and end the conversation early on your terms. If WAS is being cruel... calmly and kindly let him know you see he's upset and you won't be treated that way. Then walk away. If WAS is kind... politely accept the kindness. Always work to feel relaxed and to expect nothing from WAS. That is the worst... when WAS senses you expect something you can get crushed. Please don't get crushed. And, don't be rude. Cheerfully say good morning and expect nothing in return. Warmly say good night and expect nothing in return. Politely don't help with anything they can't do themselves. If they ask, warmly be clear you're not going to do what they ask b/c it's not appropriate. Separation from you is what he wants... lovingly give it to him.

Most important... do not talk about your R or M! Make more light, fun conversation. Find things to talk about. DO something interesting in your day to talk about. Be interesting for yourself and he may ask you about what your doing. Don't complain.... but if something he does bothers you... ask here how to set that specific boundary and then bravely do it. Don't tolerate talk about OW. Ask here what too say and then say it.

I know. All this seems impossible. I screw up everyday. I hate living like this. I miss my W. She gives me nothing when just a few weeks ago things seemed different. I would give anything for this to change.

So I have to give her what she wants. I have to put my needs and my M on the shelf and be the strong one for me, her, and my family. I have no guarantees my M will renew. If I'm honest... I can admit nothing in life is guaranteed. Now I just have to live with that fact and fear in my face every single day.

Do your best. Take care of yourself. Listen to to vets here. They are wonderful people. Come here for support and strength when you need it. Help others when you can. Let your anger and pain out here if you need to. Work hard not to show your pain to your H. Keep going. It will get better.

It will.