Oh, I agree -- I believe that the persons whose parents are being unfair need to set the boundary, not the spouse.
But on the other hand of thinking, what if the spouse can't/won't set a boundary? Should the spouse just take it....or should they speak up for themselves?
That's something I struggled with (and admittedly still do).
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Oh, I agree -- I believe that the persons whose parents are being unfair need to set the boundary, not the spouse.
But on the other hand of thinking, what if the spouse can't/won't set a boundary? Should the spouse just take it....or should they speak up for themselves?
That's something I struggled with (and admittedly still do).
She's set her own boundaries when necessary, she's just angry that she's had to do it at all. She says that she has no trouble setting boundaries with her mother. All well and good, but her mother is extremely low-pressure and easy to get along with. I love my MIL. It's safe to say that my MIL has never tested her the way my parents have tested me. Plus, she has siblings to back her up if necessary. I don't.
Part of her reasoning for leaving me is that she can remove herself from my parents. She's convinced that they hate her. I don't really think that's the case, but they're definitely not healthy to have around. She apparently thinks that to be happy in a marriage, she needs to have in-laws that love her, and that she needs to go find a new man so she can have that. She detests my parents so much that she's willing to tear up her own family to get away from them.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Been there. Currently there. I've said the same thing to my H. Tomorrow will be a good day to show the 180 that you mentioned about monitoring the situation and removing the family on time.
Part of her reasoning for leaving me is that she can remove herself from my parents. She's convinced that they hate her. I don't really think that's the case, but they're definitely not healthy to have around. She apparently thinks that to be happy in a marriage, she needs to have in-laws that love her, and that she needs to go find a new man so she can have that. She detests my parents so much that she's willing to tear up her own family to get away from them.
Wow. How much interaction does your family interact with W and kids?
I dislike my inlaws immensely. But not enough to leave my marriage. I don't have much to offer. It sounds like you've done what you can to fix your part of the situation. She's angry. And I'm sorry for that. I hope for your sake that tomorrow goes well, and maybe it can be used to discuss in MC at a later point.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Been there. Currently there. I've said the same thing to my H. Tomorrow will be a good day to show the 180 that you mentioned about monitoring the situation and removing the family on time.
Part of her reasoning for leaving me is that she can remove herself from my parents. She's convinced that they hate her. I don't really think that's the case, but they're definitely not healthy to have around. She apparently thinks that to be happy in a marriage, she needs to have in-laws that love her, and that she needs to go find a new man so she can have that. She detests my parents so much that she's willing to tear up her own family to get away from them.
Wow. How much interaction does your family interact with W and kids?
I dislike my inlaws immensely. But not enough to leave my marriage. I don't have much to offer. It sounds like you've done what you can to fix your part of the situation. She's angry. And I'm sorry for that. I hope for your sake that tomorrow goes well, and maybe it can be used to discuss in MC at a later point.
I have no doubt that it will be discussed in MC next week. The tension around the holidays was a large part of this week's session. My parents really have very little interaction with her. I talk to them on the phone about once a week or so, but we basically only see them for short periods of the time around the holidays. We haven't even been to visit them in quite a while.
Maybe a little background is in order. My parents have always been critical, but it was mostly just irritating until about three years ago. When our Ds were younger they would often jump in the tub with my W. Nobody in our house thought a thing of it.
Well, it happened one evening when my parents were visiting. My W decided to take a bath before we went out to eat and my parents freaked out, and the girls jumped in with her. They intimated that she was being psychologically harmful with the children, they told us that Child Services would come to our house, etc. They actually wanted to stay an extra night to sit us down like children and tell us what we were doing wrong. I came out guns blazing and shut them down. Well, they continued at it. They wouldn't stop. They sent a letter to my W that mentioned Jerry Sandusky.
What my W wanted me to do was to basically tell them to either stop with the meddling or get out of our lives. I stopped short of that, but I never wavered from defending her. She's convinced that if I [i] had just cut them out of our lives [\i] that their meddling would stop. It did eventually stop, but I let it go on too long. That's where I screwed up.
Her mental state determines how she talks about it. At her worst she tells me that she feels "dirty" and like a rape victim, and I failed to protect her from that. She talks about them bringing darkness and weird sexual hang ups into our life. I ask her if I bring that to her and she says no, but I think she associates me so closely with them that she wants to cut all three of us out.
Last edited by Rzrback; 11/26/1410:38 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
And, she promptly put at least one deleted photo back on her phone this morning. Son of a bitch.
I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.
Originally Posted By: Rzrback
After her storm passed and she got back in a better emotional state, we sat scrolling through pics of us and the kids on her iPhone. That's the one time I let myself get angry, when OM's picture popped up not once but 7 times! I told her that I'd like to look at pictures of my children without his ugly face showing up. She deleted them off her phone immediately. I'll check tonight to see if she retrieved them out of her trash or not.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I think it is good that you guys are seeing MC together. What I am wondering is if the MC has some training in sexual issues. I am not saying a sex therapist, but rather a therapist who can assist you and your W in navigating through the very sitch you described about your parents.
Your W needs to decide to continue holding on to the notion that your parents MUST change or else. I mean, my former ILs were pretty conservative Catholics and I didn't begrudge them for their beliefs. In my view, your W is too tied up in trying to change your parents' values and views.
Yeah, I do think that they went waaaay overboard in meddling with your parenting styles and going off on Jerry Sandusky. It is patently obvious that they have some sexual hang ups that unfortunately spilled over in your home.
Heck, I took baths with my mother and cousins when I was a kid. I am perfectly fine. I love the fact that your W is very comfortable with her body and there's no shame in it at all. You two are great in that area.
As the saying goes, not only are you marrying your wife/husband, but you're also marrying their family. So true!
And, she promptly put at least one deleted photo back on her phone this morning. Son of a bitch.
I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.
Originally Posted By: Rzrback
After her storm passed and she got back in a better emotional state, we sat scrolling through pics of us and the kids on her iPhone. That's the one time I let myself get angry, when OM's picture popped up not once but 7 times! I told her that I'd like to look at pictures of my children without his ugly face showing up. She deleted them off her phone immediately. I'll check tonight to see if she retrieved them out of her trash or not.
Personally, I think setting a boundary on the OM needs to happen sooner than later and must be enforced. I'd bring it up to the MC on the phone and alert her of this behavior. Then ask MC to work with you on this concern during the next MC session.
I think it is good that you guys are seeing MC together. What I am wondering is if the MC has some training in sexual issues. I am not saying a sex therapist, but rather a therapist who can assist you and your W in navigating through the very sitch you described about your parents.
Your W needs to decide to continue holding on to the notion that your parents MUST change or else. I mean, my former ILs were pretty conservative Catholics and I didn't begrudge them for their beliefs. In my view, your W is too tied up in trying to change your parents' values and views.
Yeah, I do think that they went waaaay overboard in meddling with your parenting styles and going off on Jerry Sandusky. It is patently obvious that they have some sexual hang ups that unfortunately spilled over in your home.
Heck, I took baths with my mother and cousins when I was a kid. I am perfectly fine. I love the fact that your W is very comfortable with her body and there's no shame in it at all. You two are great in that area.
As the saying goes, not only are you marrying your wife/husband, but you're also marrying their family. So true!
Yeah, I never had any issues with the girls bathing with my W. It was good bonding time for them, it was often a jumping off point for my W's talks with them about their changing bodies, etc. It was no big deal to us. I never once even considered that my parents were in the right about this situation. My W is not angry with me because she thinks I agree with them, she's angry because my defense wasn't effective enough.
I'm not sure exactly what my parent's hangups are. My mother especially is the kind of person who looks for things to be worried about. Part of rationale for making this into a big deal was the news stories about kids making offhand remarks and bringing the wrath of Child Services down on innocent parents. I've read those news stories too, but in the grand scheme of things, there are far bigger risks in life.
My mother grew up with an alcoholic father; she's alluded to "secrets" in the past. I wonder if something else was going on with her or a sibling. I won't ask, I'm not sure I want to know. In addition, an uncle of mine (whom I see about once a year) is in treatment for sex addiction. She doesn't dislike my entire family, but they seem to be creeping her out. In her mind, I'm just one of "them".
My parents make her so uncomfortable and make her feel "dirty" (her words) that she wants them out of her life, and right now she views me as acceptable collateral damage. She's terrified that I will grow up to be just like them and I'll want the same kind of life they do. It's nonsensical, but she's pretty nonsensical right now.
I'm hoping that the MC can get into this in more detail soon. My W initially (although I don't think she thinks that now) saw the OM as a chance to escape from her husband and his freaky family and start over with someone healthy. Never mind that he would need to leave his wife first, and never mind that she has exactly ZERO clue about him or his family. They could make mine look normal for all she knows.
My wife is all about MC, but she won't entertain the idea of IC, even though she needs it badly.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
