KGirl con't

[25yearsmlc]

Remember your own words...

So thinking more about my last post... I knew all these things about H, I just chose to "forgive him" (which really meant holding on to it and hanging it over his head later/bringing it up when he did a similar thing again) and hope that he'd not do that stuff again. But he kept doing it anyway - IMs to a girl from our high school saying they could get together during Thanksgiving and I wouldn't have to know, breaking up with me in college to email a girl in one of his classes to ask about getting together now that he didn't have a girlfriend (and then wanting to get back with me when she said no), breaking up with me again to "see what's out there", and so on and so forth. Now it's a pattern

First of all, it IS a pattern. That's not really in doubt, is it? He isn't the type of man to be true, to YOU.

IMO this is a character flaw in HIM, not you. But if he ends up being true to someone else, that still says nothing about you. It MIGHT mean he learned a lesson but frankly, chances are he'll keep cheating until if and when he can't anymore.

Second, HE SAYS/ACTS LIKE he wants out of the marriage. So, what is it that you feel you need to work on in terms of your interactions with him? What does "not" giving up look like?

The real question is, what are your options NOW?

"Giving up"....versus what?? Pursuing him? Waiting around for him to wake up?

Even if pursuing him was somehow a desirable goal, --you already did that, and the pattern was established. It did not work b/c he breaks boundaries when they don't suit him, and you forgive him, sort of, and he does it again...

So what indication is there, that pursuing him would have a better result now?

I don't think You want that dynamic in your life.

But are you are still hoping that he will change and become what he has never before been, i.e. a man who cherishes you and places high value on your company? A man who will keep his vows? I would love to encourage you in that vein, but I can't.

I don't get any of that from what you're saying about him.

At this point, he's not indicating any interest in changing in a way that improves your situation. I mean, he says it's over, correct?

I know you came here hoping we'd have the magic bullet but it really does boil down to working on ourselves and becoming our best (and most content) selves and generally that attracts most other people into our lives.

But not all of them. The good news is that by becoming our best most content selves, the less healthy people in our lives tend to matter less, truly.

How are your GAL activities going? They really do help. That's why we hammer them so much- B/c they work. DO give that a serious effort b/c you owe that to yourself.

As for what to tell others, gosh LaBug has some good points. Actually I think the two types of people who will ask

will mostly be those who really care -and those who value gossip.

Even the latter group are not usually "Evil", they might even shy away from wanting to know more b/c you'll hit close to home if you show that you did not want the divorce.

Once I overheard a CEO answer a question about his divorce, from someone I Think was a friend. They sounded surprised that he was "no longer married to Suzie" and the CEO said "she wanted the divorce, not me..."

And there was a silence in the room b/c a lot of us over heard it. Then the friend said something like "Well, HER loss" and the two went on their way...

my point is that as soon as we realized "oh, ouch that must have hurt", we did not pry OR judge as far as I know....we just felt bad for him. And a few of the women almost immediately began to think of who to set him up with!

You know, that could happen too....Why do you fear that you'll someday think he did you a favor? B/c it will mean what, about you? That you were foolish or blind?

Why can't you just see it as a gift? I still say - better late than never.

I'm sorry for your pain. Yet when I say "His loss", I really mean it.