I keep forgetting to believe NOTHING that she says.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I strongly recommend you believe everything she says. Not to believe everything she says would be dismissive.
However, take no action on anything she says. Your wife is responsible for her words...not you.
For example, if she says she wants to go to Detente Mediation--believe her. She may 100% want to do this. But until she takes action--it is only words. And words without action are nothing more than expressive thought.
Give her words attention and respect. She is giving you information about her feelings. Even though her words are painful to hear this is still a good thing. There a lot of people on this site who are living with no information at all.
I know this is difficult but don’t let her words cause you the same anxiety that her actions cause you.
"It cannot be fixed, it's too far gone to fix", etc...
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Jefe, I've heard those words too. But that's just where her mind is at right now. Things change. People change. Maybe she's had a rough day. Maybe she experienced some personal failures today and she's in a negative frame of mind.
Do not focus on the negative. That will only cause it to grow. Focus on the positives - then they will grow. What you focus on grows.
What's the positive here? It's that she is still confiding in you, telling you her feelings and her thoughts, however dark they may be.
I get the same thing from my W. She dumped on me tonight, saying she needs time alone. That there was a time not too long ago when she was ready to file for D. That's the first time I heard that. It was all I could do to keep a poker face and acknowledge her pain and feelings without getting defensive and emotional. But by not reacting as I used to I gave her a safe place to vent. I also told her I'm 100% committed to her and supportive of her search for her identity. And that I was 100% committed to rebuilding our marriage. When I left the RH she gave me a long hug - held me for 10-15 seconds. Twice.
So when she vents, just listen. It's not about you so don't get all bent out of shape over it. It's about her feelings which are all over the place, but she needs you to bounce these things off of. Ever notice that when you explain something to someone, hearing yourself say it, it helps you to think more clearly about it. Even to the point that you'll say something and later you think about what you said and realized it may not be accurate. I think that's what happens with the spew & apology pattern.
Regardless, don't take it personally. Just listen to her. Acknowledge that you hear her. You don't have to agree. Sometimes it's better not to say anything. Just nod your head, or if on the phone uh-huh.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
"Do not focus on the negative. That will only cause it to grow. Focus on the positives - then they will grow. What you focus on grows.
What's the positive here? It's that she is still confiding in you, telling you her feelings and her thoughts, however dark they may be."
I need this too.
Thank you!
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Jefe, I believe the attached link follows the tenants of your faith.
It is a 30-minute video from Jimmy Evans on a new series he has started. This clip is called Redeeming Love. The series is called "Our Secret Paradise." The air date for this particular clip was November 19, 2014.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I'm attempting to follow the course that you recommended. It seems only prudent to heal/resolve the injuries known by my wife. I have NO DESIRE to punish my wife. I just want to begin her healing process for the damage I've caused.
Jefe, (interesting your choice of screen name) her healing process is hers.
Do you see the control in that statement?
Amends are really about you, not her or any other person.
Can you take your focus off your W and know that she'll be OK?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
The statement was more about trying to fix the damage that I've done, but I see your point.
My screen name, BTW, was a nickname given to me in 7th grade Spanish class. But yes, I struggle with control of everything around me.
Happy Thanksgiving, Labug.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
