New & seeking advice on what to do

[DaneMom]

Hi, I am so thankful I found this site a few weeks ago, only wished I’d found it many many months ago when my WAS situation started. Since discovering this website I’ve begun reading DR but not DB yet and want desperately to save my marriage. However, I was just served with divorce papers last week and am at a loss at how to act or what to do next.

Here is my story (sorry it’s long):
My 19 year marriage was for the most part great (or at least I thought so) until about 5 years ago. All family and friends thought we had the perfect relationship. We started dating in high school, attended the same university and got married after 6 years of dating. We always got along, never any agruements and were each other’s BFF and biggest cheerleader. We were both very career focused and knew that children were not part of our picture.

After many sessions with my IC I have discovered that things started changing in our relationship 5 years ago when I was let go from my job. During that time H started traveling for his job and I was left home alone. At the end of that year, H was offered an opportunity to open a new office for his company out of town which would require us to move or for him to commute full time. I supported his desire to do this as it was important to him and his career. Decision was for him to travel full time as I was just starting a new but very demanding job locally.

During this first year of my new job and his traveling, he was reintroduced to his love of skiing/snowboarding to which he spent his weekends doing when he was home in town; thus no time for us as I had torn up my knees years ago skiing.

Recognizing we were growing apart, at the beginning of year 2, I suggested we join a running club together and hopefully start spending more time together and reconnecting that way. Was good the first 6 months, but I unfortunately had a debilitating back injury that I battled with for the next 18 months and had to quit running. He continued, continued to set new goals and achieve them. I became more and more angry and jealous internally, never openly talking to him about it and essentially withdrawing more from him. At the end of that year just before a big race that he couldn’t/wouldn’t stop talking about with me and his new running friends, I blew up at him… spewed all my pent up anger about how he made me feel with his continued running and his obsession with some online gaming he’d started getting involved with all while I was laid up in bed most of the time. (Huge regret in hindsight)

At the beginning of year 3 I discovered an online OW. We started with MC after that and seemed to work through what the issues were and moved forward. Again hindsight is that we’d only begun to scratch the surface of the issues. Spent the rest of year 3 and half of year 4 supporting his continued and evolving running goals. (He got hooked on ultra running).

In the middle of year 4 (2013), he completed his first ultra run successfully. It was at this point that I thought we’d had an understanding/agreement that he’d start focusing more on us, making us a priority with his time. Sadly he didn’t and resented the fact that I expected him to take a step back from his new found passion. He acted like I asked him to give it up, which was not the case, only to put us first with his time commitments etc. To make matters worse, I was diagnosed with breast cancer at this time. After three months of tests and doctors appts we finally knew what the treatment plan was in order to move forward. H was great about making sure he was home for all appts (hindsight I realized I wanted/needed him to just be home full time but never told him). I found out my surgery appt on our 18th anniversary. One week after surgery I discovered he was engaging in an EA based on phone bills and then looking on his phone. When asked to end EA and all contact, he denied any wrong doing, changed his phone, email, and social media passwords.

For the next 2 months there were many conversations and arguments. We started seeing MC again. MC wanted me to continue to support running as long as he committed to make time for us which he agreed to but refused to end contact with EA OW. I finally asked him to move out (end of November last year) when he made it clear to me that ‘we’ weren’t a priority for him. He’d just committed an entire weekend to helping support his EA OW with a race she was doing.

He was hurt that I asked him to move out but I didn’t know what else to do at the time and I felt he was making a fool out of me. (Wished I’d discovered DB then)
I have done all the things DB says not to do. Begging, crying, talking to too many of my girlfriends, you name it.

I continue to see an IC and have learned several things of how I contributed to everything falling apart. I am sure there is more to learn.

I am unsure what to do given he’s served me with divorce papers. I have lots of anger right now given that he did so on a day that we had to put one of our dogs down (our dogs were the kids we never had). He has made a big deal about still wanting to be part of the dog’s lives and apprehensively I have accomodated his need to come over on the weekends to do so. He was very insistent that he be present when time came to say goodbye for our girl (due to bone cancer). In the end, he wasn’t there because he’d made plans to be out of town for the weekend that couldn’t be postponed for a couple of hours to be there and say goodbye to her. So I did it by myself and then was served divorce papers an hour later. However, he still expects/wants to see and visit the other dog. I am torn because this is our only interaction now other than divorce stuff and I want to see him but at the same time I am so upset at him.

I just don’t know what to do next now that he’s served me????