MLC for crazy making!!!

[BBlove]

This is my first post here in the MLC section.

Hi all, first let me say thank you for all the lessons and experiences shared in this forum. It has helped me to be strong at my weakest points on this journey. I've read many similar stories to mine but not too many that involve pregnancy and new babies. I'm 32 and H turn 40 in January 2014. He's had a traumatic childhood with tons of abandonment and loss. He's struggled with major depression on and off (mostly on) his whole life (sad). He dropped the ILYBNILWY bomb 2/4/14 when I was 6 months pregnant. Since then he completely shut himself off emotionally and physically to me. We tried a few couples sessions and that didn't get anywhere so we stopped. He was/and still is not willing to work on our R. I assumed responsibility of the faults I contributed to in our R and acknowledged that with our first D born 3/2012 I struggled with postpartum depression and withdrew from the R myself. This is different. H is different. I NEVER in one million billion year would have thought he was capable of giving up on our R and love especially since we have 2 beautiful daughters and before deciding to have a family heavily discussed what that meant. We were absolutely 100% committed to giving our daughters an intact home full of love and fun. So this man truly has become an alien. He told me "it's crappy timing I know but I feel like I need to be selfish right now, that I don't want to take care of anyone else (meaning me) and my daughters (cause I have to). **side note I'm quite self sufficient thank you haha...

From 2/4/14 till mid October there has been several conversations about him moving out to "find himself". Take care of himself. He says he has a BIG PLAN! Well On 11/15/14 he moved out. Took the little bit of things that were his and not ours and got an apartment. I knew it was coming since we agreed on the date but I guess him actually doing knocked the wind right out of me. How could he... I was devastated and did allllllll the things I wasn't supposed to. Criiiiied like a baby, cussed him out several times, told him allllll the bad things he was and what he was doing to me, our daughters and our family. All of it. I did it. And it felt necessary in the moment. I've since apologized for the mean things I said in anger and as of today I babe recommitted to DBing. At one point in the beginning when the bomb was dropped I was soooooo good at DBing. I truly started to GAL and that has since stuck but I stopped coming her at some point months ago and and wavered on the parts of DB like staying happy and friendly, not talking about the R, all that stuff. But I did continue to GAL and started working out and have lost 10lbs, started cooking again, going out with friends, focusing on my side work, and other things I enjoy by myself. The irony of it all is this has been one of the best years of my life for professional and personal growth. For that I am thankful.

I am a psychotherapist so I am keenly self aware of so much and it is a gift and a burden in my sitch. I'm exhausted from juggling a full time job (which I love), a small side private practice (which keeps me excited professionally), and now being a single mom to a 2-3/4 year old and an almost 7 month old. He does help watch the girls whenever I need him to and so far has financially continued to contribute a large chunk. How did I get here? How is this my life? Am I strong enough to endure years of this cold isolation from the man I loved and who once loved me? I'm feeling especially broken and sad tonight. Had a good cry and feel better after writing all this. Thank you for reading if you got to the end. Any advice, words of wisdom in similar sitches, or words of encouragement are helpful!