New to DB - Need Help! Pt 2

[NH115]

I just quickly skimmed through your stitch (I'm at work...shhhh) to see where the parents came into play. I'm glad that you took a stand against them and you and your W appear to be on the same page about it.

I have issues with H's parents. They're toxic as hell. My MIL offered to help H out of a financial hole that he got himself in. The catch? He had to leave me. And he wonders why I didn't want to spend the holidays with them that year.

I've spent several years angry at H, angry at them. Why didn't H stand up for me? Why? Because he couldn't stand up for himself. He avoided conflict and the relationship I have with his parents....is filled with conflict. Some of which H perpetuated. But I started to realize that while, yes, my H should've stood up for me, I'm a grown woman and if I was so offended, I should've said something myself and not relied on my H to white knight for me.

At some point, (and this may be an unpopular opinion) she may have to look at why she needs you to protect her from your parents. She needs to address the hurt that she has with them, and in turn, with you and really get into it. Because if it's not figured out -- it's going to fester.

Have you asked her point blank if there was anything that you could do to help her move forward with this? The reason I ask, my IC last year helped me have a conversation with my H about his parents. I asked him what he wanted/needed for me to do to have a relationship with his parents that he would be happy with. He told me. I listened. And then I told him what I needed from him to make that relationship happen. And it worked.

Just a thought.

Hang in there!

Hi Calibri.

My parents are a huge issue. They've never pressured me to leave my W, but they tend to be very meddlesome and controlling. I have no doubt we will spend some significant time on them in MC. My W is typically a very strong and confident woman, but she acts like a total victim when it comes to my parents.

Unfortunately I sounded a lot like your H. I was conflict-avoidant with them and I did fail to protect my W adequately. There were times when I did effectively defend her, but in her present state of mind, she only sees my failures. I didn't stand up for myself much either; they lost respect for me, so as the years went on it actually became harder to stand up to them effectively, even as I gradually lost the fear of doing so.

I tend to agree with Little on this one. It is MY job to defend her against my toxic parents. I'm ashamed of the way I handled them when I was younger. I'm happy to say that I've now put to rest any fear I have of dealing with them assertively. To be honest I no longer give a flip about our relationship with my parents. All I expect is civil now, and my parents are on notice that they need to treat my W with nothing but respect.

Tomorrow we'll be seeing them for the first time since BD. This will be an opportunity to demonstrate my ability to lead and protect. I will be on guard against any intrusions or disrespect from my parents, and I'll be closely montoring the time we spend with them. When it's time to leave there and go to W's family, it'll be my responsibility to get us out of there at the time we agreed. This was something she and I have already agreed on and our MC wholeheartedly concurred with how we were handling the holidays.