Busting this Divorce - Standing Firm

[HPoirot]

Thank you so much Vanilla! It is always wonderful to hear from you and read your healing words. You are an amazing person. If there's anything good about all this... it is this board and all of you on it. Funny... I've never been involved on an online forum before. Now I couldn't imagine life these days without you...

...

Vanilla, I have never really been close to my dad. I'm not sure I love anything about him because I've never taken the time to know him. Like I now see I've never taken the time to know anyone that wasn't doing something I really liked for me. If I took anything from him, it's likely my solitariness. I didn't see him around a lot of other of his friends growing up. I am starting to see similarities and I don't want my son to not appreciate me when he grows up. So I will spend time with my dad when he's in town next.

...

W just called me. I acted as if all was great... sounded upbeat like I was having a great day. She responded the same way. Asked how I was. "Great! How are you?" And she goes on to happily describe her entire morning and when she'll be home. We were talking like it was like before BD which is just crazy.

Anyway... I tell her we're out of dinner. She suggests something. I say that's a great suggestion and how would you feel about this other suggestion because we already have this kind of food ready. She says oh yeah! Hey how about this! And we make a good decision! We sound like a happy couple. Just insanity.

Then it gets stranger. She softens and says... "I want to tell you again how proud of you I am about talking with your dad and getting the condo. You really helped me and I appreciate it so much." She went on like that a little more. I said just warmly "Thanks. We're making it happen." Or something like that. I made sure to hold back a little.

In our old M she always handled communicating with my family and handling moving and living items. She doesn't really understand my family as we haven't kept in daily touch like she does with her extended family. She's also never seen me make an effort to connect with my dad. That, and she's been looking everyday for a place for us to live next and feeling stress about it. So yes I can see this meant a lot to her and she is sincere. Even knowing how I feel in our sitch and how she's treated me lately she still says this. So she reached out again to connect and I briefly accepted without expecting more. Maturity progress.

So, I do more to continue to put my needs and my M on the shelf and to just be strong and self-sufficient while my W gets her life and mind together no matter what happens. I have positives in my sitch. I carry no expectations. Yes, that part has been hard but I do see I'm getting a little better every week.

Now, I must keep up this great attitude when the next painful thing happens. I notice my emotions still go where hers are. Even so, I did help to create this good moment by expecting it to be good, checking my emotions, and taking a moment to center myself and deciding to act as if the conversation would be good before I picked up the phone.

So I'm living wide awake then. I can do this. Maybe everyday for the rest of my life.