Angry WAH blames me for everything.......

[Calibri]

Ss -

I've been suggesting/begging/talking/pleading for H to go to IC for YEARS to deal with the issues of his childhood. He would go, to appease me, but never stuck with it. I could see it, brewing under the surface. I could see it creeping steadily into his work, our marriage. For the last year, his mother has (seemingly) been on the wagon, stable, trying to get it together. I urged H to start to talk to his parents, because it seemed like an opportune time. I knew that if he didn't get it out, it was going to blow up. I just never imagined it was going to blow up on me. At the time I thought I was being helpful. Trying to give him support and courage to deal with the difficult stuff. I know differently now. Had I known what I was doing was controlling/manipulating, I would've stayed the hell out of it. Except, I couldn't. Because it was effecting my life. The man I love. And I wanted to be his advocate -- because he wasn't advocating for himself. I didn't want him to be a victim to his parents anymore. I didn't want him to be a victim of a s*itty childhood. I wanted him to rise above it. To be victorious. To free himself of the chains that binded him to the toxic situation.

But the thing is, I wanted that. And while I think there was/is a part of him that wanted some of that, he didn't want to make that journey.

......I feel, sometimes, that by trying to make him better - that I made him worse. And I feel like a s*itty person. At least right now.

I've been working on my lists of what to do and what not to do. Plan on sharing towards the end of the week.


As for mourning, I'm still mourning -- but I'm the type of person who wants a plan. I like control (jesus, maybe H was right about being controlling). Because over the years with all the crappy things that have happened to me, I want to control the things in my life. My eff'd up thinking: If I can control it - then nothing bad will happen to me again. Ha. Last year I went to grief counseling because my grandfather committed suicide. Grief counseling, pissed me off, because I couldn't control how I was navigating the steps of grief. I felt stuck. I felt like I wasn't "grieving" properly. I expressed my irritation and not being able to move forward. And as I'm typing this now....I realize I'm doing the same thing with mourning this separation.

I came pretty close to rock bottom two weeks ago. It scared the crap out of me. I called my docs, got meds, and I'm seeing improvements. Where I was two weeks ago is not somewhere I want to be again.

I don't want to be a victim. Never have. I've survived every kind of abuse possible. I've survived a mentally unstable father who has tried to harm me. I've survived everything thrown at me (illness, poverty, loved ones dying, loved ones having cancer, becoming a legal guardian to an elderly relative, suicide). I always pulled myself up by my bootstraps and said "you will not be defined by this. You will not. I survived all of that...but my H leaving me? The thought of not being married to him - THAT is the thing that brings me to my knees.

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I feel like I'm all over the place here.

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Will post little bit later about H's IC session (I was there. It was lackluster!) and last nights IC.

Thank you for checking in. It's really pushing me to think about the bigger picture.