Busting this Divorce - Standing Firm

[HPoirot]

Thank you Wonka for your comments on yesterday's interactions with my W. I see how you are of course right about everything you said.

I think the biggest issue I had is that I was very very hard on myself about the TV show interaction fail. Everything else about the day had been great and my PMA was very high. In fact, I was probably over confident.

I figured she might ask again and told myself to review Sandi's script earlier. I allowed my other stresses to get in the way of that and was totally unprepared when it happened. Then I beat myself up all night and into today. I felt very very low and hopeless again. I notice my posts last night was me wallowing in it and hoping someone here would tell me I was still on track. I was again looking for reassurance to keep going. I know that's OK... I learned just the other day that a hard day is not the end of the road. And, even though I feel like I undid days of boundary work with just one weak moment... I've survived days that ended worse than yesterday and still got back to reconnecting with W. I just go and do this again.

And the drink she made for me. You're right I did not think that through. After the terrible/nice day of the OM/MC emails... she went and bought me a bottle of my favorite rum (and herself her vodka), made me a drink and brought it to me, and asked me to watch zombies like old times. Thinking about it now it is surprising she would do that (unless it was a temperature check). We did leave the night before on a hopeful note and she did comment on the positive things I did for our family yesterday. So I see I could have continued to build on that by accepting the drink. Using Sandi's script to say no to TV then would have been stronger... building on the strong things I had already done that day. It's a lot to remember to do... but I can just be the person who just does that more and more.

I still would like to know, in case I missed this in your response Wonka, how MC could ever get back in our picture?

I know she won't just stop OM contact now even though she said she would. And she said she's going back to her IC for her issues. She goes back and forth so much it's hurts to think about it. If she's still going to contact OM... why bother lying about it to me?

So, I'm just going back to keeping up with my improvements, PMA, GAL, and 180s. Interactions with her stay polite and friendly. I don't ask anything about where she goes. Not even a "have fun?" I still look for opportunities to connect when she initiates that. Anything else?

...

This morning was normal. Got out of bed at 5am to do work. Took ice cold shower and dressed for success. Noted that she had been awake since 4am watching TV downstairs and had gone to sleep after I did last night. She didn't sleep much again. She is terrible without sleep. Also, she had said she would be waking up early to work on her business ideas, but I have not seen that yet.

I got my computer I went to work on my bed. She came in looking her now usual tired and grumpy self. She asked me how I'm doing. "Very Good." I did not leave the bedroom. Last time she was getting ready she asked me to. This time she did not ask and I didn't offer.

Kind of cold. Not tense. She asked my plans to the day... what I was doing up working. She said she was going to the store for T-day groceries. I told her want I wanted. She left and got them.

Then she got dressed for work... said evenly that she' be back by 2... and left.

I really don't like living like this. I'll just buckle down, though, and work on pulling way back without being rude or short with her. If she does to a nice thing, I accept it.

By the way, my birthday is next week. As I had no friends in this city, my b-days were always W taking me and boy out to eat. My W will ask me what I want to do. I want to do whatever will get me closer to my goal. I'm thinking just a cake at home. If she gets me a gift, I take it. What do you think?

My dad will be in town on my bday, and he offered to take me out so I'll go. I won't tell him all the details... but it may be good for him and me if I share more about my struggles.

I would appreciate any comments. I'm struggling with PMA today. Thank you all again.