W came by this morning to have breakfast with us before we head out of town. It was only supposed to be a quick breakfast because she is having a hard time being away from S so much and particularly around the holidays. She was just talking about things in her life until an old favorite song of hers came on, "Blessings". She stared out into space for a min and then just started to cry. I gave a few minutes but when she didn't improve I started to ask what was wrong and she started a list of things and her happiness again. She eventually got around to us and R. Where she stated that she didn't feel like we could try to work things out because she just saw us getting a year or two down the road and feeling the same...like she doesn't want to be here. She explained how much she cared for me but that she doesn't feel 'it'. I started to put out my thoughts and was a couple minutes until I caught myself and said I don't need to tell you what to do. Your decision to try is up to you, not me. She left shortly after that having cried all her makeup away, headed to work.
I feel like I failed this morning. Its so much harder to hold your ground in the moment and be emotionally unavailable. How is it I can still love this woman after 13 months of being treated like some unwanted pet and her now multiple A's. Feeling kind of low today and about to hit the road for a 5 hour drive with S freaking out in the back for the trip and my thoughts tearing me down.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
