Busting this Divorce - Standing Firm

[Wonka]

HP,

This is a mixed-bag of some good interactions and some real doozies. That is to be expected when you're tired and trying to think fast on your feet on the spot. Not easy at all. I can see that.

Texted W about the condo as that was the thing stressing her this morning. She called and asked questions. Told me how proud she was of me and how much I helped her.

She also told S11 we'd be moving and about his likely new school next year. He was upset but I sat an talked with him. W then texted me... "Immensely proud of you. Thanks so much."

I'm noticing how she says she's proud of me lately with my changes. I'm not sure this is positive. More like a pat on the head. Nice but means nothing.

This is a very positive thing. Why be a downer because this doesn't measure up to your expectations of "positive"?? For a woman, they like it quite a lot when their H's take charge and make things happen which you did with the condo thing. Your W is liking the new changes and she's even commented on it. Sure, she's gun-shy because she's afraid that you'll slip back to the old HPoirot and she'd feel she's been gyped by you.

When she comes home... I am on the phone upstairs having a funny conversation with a work colleague. Another 180... just be friendlier with people I work with. She has brought home the rum I like. She made me a drink and came upstairs to give it to me. I said no thank you with a smile and went back to my call. She walked away.

Whaa...what? What were you thinking??! It was just a nice gesture that you could have reciprocated with a warm "thank you." Why is this so hard for you to do this? Remember, build on small positive interactions like this.

While S11 was out the room, she asked me again if I wanted to watch our zombie show. I messed up here.

I said "we'll see."

She said "are you sure? or are you too tired." (my lame excuse last time.)

I said something non-committal.

She said, "if you don't want to watch with me, you should just say so."

It seems that you forgot Sandi's script:

[/quote-Sandi2]When your W has expectations of watching the TV with you or any other activity you two did in the past.......have you just looked at her and said, "There is nothing I want more than for our M and our lives to be healthy and normal again. However, as long as you are actively involved with another man, I cannot pretend to enjoy a shared activities just the two of us, as if all is well. It is painful for me and feels like a mockery to what we once had." This should not be said with anger or coldness. It should be said lovingly, but not pitifully.[/quote]

Contrast that ^^ comment which comes from inner strength to this other one:

I said politely "well as long as I don't know about OM, then no I don't think we should watch together." This was not my script as I forgot it.

She says irritatedly, "There's nothing to know about OM. I made myself clear in my email (where she said she would stop contact but implying now that was not what she meant). We'll just live together as best we can. I'll watch it when I want and you watch when you want."

You don't need to know squat about the OM or what he does/doesn't do. That has absolutely nothing to do with your boundary. I can see why your W reacted with irritation and brought her back to a bad place. STFU about the OM! Seriously. It just makes you look like a weak man.

I should not have brought up OM. I'm don't see how to get to MC anymore without her bringing it up again which I already shut down yesterday. Is this MC/OM thing that I fought for yesterday now salvageable?

Yep. Here's why. You MUST differentiate between bringing up the OM, which will be seen as a direct attack to him, and stating your boundary in that you will not live in an open marriage and do family activities together. See the difference, HP??

You WILL not have any couples events or MC as long as the OM is still in the picture. Again, indicate your willingness to attend those types of sessions if OM is completely cut off.

Trust me. There will be many, many wobbles and bumps when it comes to re-stating and enforcing this boundary. It takes a while for the WAS to drop kick the OM/OW. Like kicking a meth addiction. This process will be filled with fits and starts. Please try to keep this in mind.

It's like I'm waiting to become detached. I'm not sure I've really tried to detach yet. Time to find a way to actually practice detachment.

Detachment is a process, not an overnight thing. An essential indigredent to detaching is GALing. You can mix things up by GALing by yourself, with friends, or with your son. I have very, very fond memories of my late father taking me to the arcade to play Centipede or Galaxy or pool hall to play pool. What a memory of father-daughter bonding times!!

To this day, I recall this memory with deep fondness. My father, as a single man, corralled a bunch of my friends (we all were in the 5th grade) in my neighborhood and their parents to go on a day event at a local State park one winter. We just hiked in the woods with icicles and sheen of ice wrapping around rocks. At the end of the hike, we gathered up at a cabin that we rented and just sat around hot chocolate, s'mores chatting. For me, I was unable to join the group. Why? Ah well. As the group was walking on top of a frozen river, I stepped into an apparently thin section and fell right through it!!! So imagine my terror! Yup, I was frozen over and had to spend a lot of the time in the car with the heat on full blast to thaw out.

Ah..I digress.

And now again I feel like I can't see how I get to my goal from here. Complete opposite of last night.

I can get more consistent mentally. Maybe I feel like cr*p because I'm sitting here on the couch alone eating Oreos.

Hey no worries. By golly! I have stumbled several times and so have many, many other DBers. Pick yourself up and dust off. And there's nothing wrong with eating Oreos! I like the odd Oreo here and there.

Go back and re-read your thread from page 1. We've given you golden tips and guidance.

Chin up, buddy. We've got your back.