This is hard to admit, but I am going in. I just want to get to the best place I can be. That means working through the not so good stuff, the stuff we don't like to admit, and the stuff we discover, of course, also with realizing and celebrating the good.
I think xh is like an addiction for me. I think I was addicted to him. That is why it was so hard to let him go at first. Along with the reality of what was happening and bd, addiction had a part in why I went into total shock and my body shut down.
I felt such physical withdrawal, along with mental, and emotional.
I yearned for him and craved for him.
I finally broke the addiction. I was OK without him. Contact with him was pretty much all negative, like the reminders of the horrible side-effects of an addiction. It helped me stay the distance. Made me see that I was unhealthy and want to make myself better. Remove myself from that addiction.
Now, those horrible side effects are not in sight. I see the pleasure and high of my addiction. I love it. And now that I've gotten a taste, I want more. Every interaction leaves me hanging wanting more. My thoughts of my life without my addiction have been slightly altered. Not in a sense of me losing my footing, so much, but of the short-term high. I don't always think long-term with my addiction, as addicts don't.
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I am not showing desperation, and I am really OK, being alone. In fact, I don't want anyone in my space like that right now. I don't know what I want right now. But I do like the time together. But, like the addict, when I am with him, I want more. When I get a text or call, I am now happy and eager to open/answer, when not so long ago, it repulsed me. It reminded me of the time after bd, when I was getting led along, taking crumbs. When my phone would sound that there was a text, I would literally gasp a, "Huuuh!" and run to it. I almost feel that. Not to the same extent, but it leaves me wanting more.
This does not sound healthy. It is a very difficult place to be. I see he is being very cautious and taking things slowly. Although he has made no direct indication of wanting a reconnection, I believe there have been implications. However, I seriously cannot assume anything. And I would need to hear directly and see directly what it is he wants. I have a very hard time deciphering what the heck he is thinking. I try not to. I just try to go with the flow. I am not acting needy or desperate, but I also want to make sure I don't feel that way either.
Truth be told, I don't feel needy or desperate. I can tell I am much stronger than before. But, I know I have to be very cautious. And there are a lot of things in play here, too.
