Not that great a night last night. I allowed myself to get sucked into another R talk. The OM got mentioned, but she wasn't gushing about him, so I let it slide. He was mentioned in the larger context of our R problems, things that pre-dated the OM.
She still can't see how she's ever going to reestablish an emotional bond with me that's necessary for sexual attraction. That's based on her inability to trust me, due to my failure to protect her from my parents, and other selfish and immature behaviors on my part. She sees and is happy for the improvements I made (she brought that up, not me) but ultimately still does not trust me. I simply told her that my words are meaningless, and that the only way she would be convinced is through my behavior. That's exactly what it would take for me to reestablish trust with her if the roles were reversed. When I get in these R talks with her I don't often know when I'm saying too much. It's exhausting trying to filter my words all the time.
After her storm passed and she got back in a better emotional state, we sat scrolling through pics of us and the kids on her iPhone. That's the one time I let myself get angry, when OM's picture popped up not once but 7 times! I told her that I'd like to look at pictures of my children without his ugly face showing up. She deleted them off her phone immediately. I'll check tonight to see if she retrieved them out of her trash or not.
Detachment! Sometimes I think I have it under control, and in the light of day, I think I do. I'm able to see a good life without her. I'm starting to notice other women becoming attractive again. I know that my value as a man doesn't depend on whether W is sexually attracted to me. But when I'm sitting in the car with her and her tears start to flow and she says those things to me, I melt. It's just so sad to think that she doesn't feel that way about me anymore. It's a huge ego hit to think that she no longer desires me. She wants to be attracted to me again, she just doesn't think she can. She wasn't ugly or hateful, just sad and scared. I kept my tears under control, but barely.
I "know" that it's not over until it's over, but it sure felt over last night, at least for a little while. I know that she has to get OM processed before we can make any meaningful progress, and that obviously hasn't happened yet.
I mostly stayed on my PMA horse last night, but I was hanging by the stirrup at one point. I still argue too much when she brings up issues, as if my explanations will do ANY good. This morning when she left for work, she gave me a long hug, kissed me, and told me we'd figure it out.
More work to do
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
