Shining, ft, Bright, GB, daring- thank you so much for your support and well wishes. It really means a lot to me. ft- I had many of those moments today. It was really nice, actually. I didn't have my phone or any distractions. I was alone a lot today at the hospital. It was very peaceful.
After I "woke up" I was so out of it and tired. I kept falling back asleep. They said I just needed to eat and drink then could go. I did, and fell asleep so hard. I hadn't slept in so long, and I needed anesthesia to finally get some good sleep. They closed the curtain and let me sleep for hours.
When I finally woke, they said I missed a really busy day. Many people had come and gone, while I slept through it all. They were really nice.
S17 was great taking me and picking me up. But of course, it was short-lived. Right after we got home, he started up. Then left. I was really disappointed bc at the hospital they told me that I needed an adult with me for the night, bc of the anesthesia. Normally I would have not really thought of it as a big deal, but my heart has been so clunky and weird lately, that I did heed what they were saying. I told s17 that I needed him home. But, he got upset and left. For hours. No good-bye or checking in. Nothing. So aggravating. So selfish.
Xh was not aware that my surgery was today. D13 is still home sick. She said xh came in today and was calling my name. She just said I left already (she said she didn't know if she should tell him about surgery- bless her heart, she is so protective of me.)
Weird having him next door.
Then I got a text before I went in for surgery from him asking something about s17. I wasn't sure but just said I had to go. About an hour and a half later he texted me saying that he hopes I have better days and get back on track at work because I am good at it.
I didn't see it until I woke up. Still groggy, I texted, "Thanks. Just coming off anesthesia."
xh: I'm sorry. Me: No worries
I think I need some of that stuff around the house.
After he got out of work, he parked at bil and came straight to my house. We talked about s17. He talked some about his sitch w hww, but also commented that he does not want to talk about it every time. Me either. But it was a good talk. He said he had blinders on.
While at the hospital today, during one of my quiet hours (I had about 3 quiet hours, alone, before surgery- no distractions at all. It was like a sacred place- all in my gown, in a hospital bed. Hey, take 'em where we can get 'em, right!) Kids had no access to me!!
It was a continuation of last night. I had a thought. It was one of those realizations, you know, where you "know" and "get it" but can't exactly feel it. You know, like some things here are at first, dropping the rope, no contact, yadda.. hard at first, then it clicks.
(Crap- I know, Dad! Short story long, I get it!!!)
Well, I was super ticked yesterday about hww and her not realizing why I just don't like her. Dummy. OK, so I realized that her x saw my xh, and he waved to my xh. (He texted me the first time and told me about it.) But I was also aware that he didn't give a crap about her. He saw her for who she was and moved on. They were together for 2 years. She thinks it's the same as my sitch with xh. They weren't even married. Whatever.
Then, the part about her saying I shouldn't be mad she got pregnant bc we were separated. Dummy. She was messing with him long before that, when we were very much together, she was texting him. And we were just barely separated then. Ok, no need to rehash further, because I get it- she does not get it. And the fact that xh get's it- totally and has apologized profusely and acknowledges how wrong it is, helps in moving past that. She doesn't she never will.
AJ, you called it. You said what I was thinking. Yes! She may never get it. I can let her blow away in the wind. It is not my burden to bury. She will probably spend the rest of her life living like this. I asked xh today if she was spoiled rotten. I said that she acts like a spoiled brat who is so self-absorbed that she just doesn't get it. He nodded like, YUP! She still runs to mommy and daddy to do everything, and they still spoil her. I asked him if her mom is the same way and does not get it. He said that her mom does not get it either. Its funny, bc her mom is the one who babysat d13's friend since she was born. D13 and her would get into arguments all the time bc the friend was always acting like a spoiled brat. Ha! I just realized that!
ENOUGH about her! We did not talk about her or that one more time during the night. I ordered a pizza and xh went an picked it up. The 3 of us ate together and watched ELF. Well... actually...
Here is something about d13. She is probably the most talkative person on earth...
besides me...
I was just telling my friend the other day that xh and I would laugh during car rides at how long she would go on and on (kind of like my posts). We would watch the clock and just let her go and see if she could beat her record.
For the past year, she wants to tell me 10 million things at like 11PM when I am trying to get to sleep and she SHOULD be! Other than that, she has her face in her iPhone.
Tonight, she wanted to watch the movie. She would not shut-up. She was so giddy and happy bc we were together. It was the old her. I though she had grown out of it- nope- it was a sign of her sadness about the sitch.
When she left the room, xh and I both acknowledged it. I said yeah, usually she's like this, and I put my phone in front of my face and sat silently. He looked sad when I said that.
Anyway, it was a nice night. When s17 came home, xh talked to him a couple of different times. He didn't join us. I told xh that I think with him next door, s17 is going to try to assert himself now. What he pulled today, I think, was for show for xh. For example, xh asked, what do you want to say? S17 said, "Why are you here?"
Xh and I agreed that it was going to be a long haul. But he wants to know right away and stay on top of things.
It was slightly awkward, but also comforting. He did say something like he thought that problems with me were big problems and were not things that could be fixed in our marriage. He said he now realized they weren't big problems at all. And that comparing me to what's out there, that he realizes what he had.
