I don't know if I did the right thing by telling H to face it or else he'll carry it on into future Rs. That's just my personality -- to the point. I see it. Everyone else sees it. You can't just avoid an issue that you have and think it'll be better with the next person. Especially when the issue has manifested with your parents. Your past employers. Your past relationships. Your wife. Maybe its too demanding. Maybe it was controlling. Maybe I just need to STFU. Lots of unknowns. Lots of maybes.
Wow, we're a lot alike, Calibri! I did this too. Hey, H, by the way, you should totally work on stuff because it'll help you down the road and you don't want to take ugly, heavy baggage into future relationships so you should totally work on it.
Yeah. You're not who he wants to hear that from.
You're right. And you know it but in this case, STFU is best. Any advice, direction, suggestions you give him... that's an attempt at control. It's part of our b!tchy-ness" and something we do to protect OURSELVES. Yes, you read that right.
You're not actually helping him with that suggestion. Nope. You're actually pushing him away. Unknowingly and unintentionally, yes, but that's what you're doing.
Breathe.
It helped me to have a list of things I was working on and then a SEPARATE list of things I was working on NOT doing. "STFU" is at the very top of my "not to do" list. It's HARD. Incredibly hard but I'll admit, it gets easier.
No matter how wise, insightful or TRUE your advice may be, he doesn't want to hear it from you.
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I'm going to IC tonight, and I think I'm going to change the direction of therapy from "why is this happening to me?" to "who did I become in the relationship and is that who I am?" I know some of the answers, but I think there's alot of digging to be done.
This is GREAT and really encouraging that you're turning the perspective so early in your sitch. Hang on to that.
From day 1 of after BD I was determined to NOT feel like this was happening TO ME because I wanted to feel in control. After a lot of ups and downs and major backslides I realized I needed to rightfully mourn and wallow for a minute.
Given my childhood and all I've been through in life I have always been strong and determined and nothing held me back, got in my way or victimized me. But I needed the time to crash, wallow and hit the very bottom of the bottom. If you read my sitch, it involved my vacuum and it was VERY tough.
I got through it though and I wouldn't be where I am now without that time on the floor with my vacuum. I just wouldn't.
Ask yourself if you need time to mourn first. I mean, REAL time to mourn. Get it all out. Vent big time. I needed it. I did it on paper, typing on here and verbally...
and eventually I realized that I came around to talking about changes I wanted to make in myself. Not him. Me. It all circles around to YOU. But it's a process. YOu can't force that. You have to let it happen naturally. It takes patience. Patience I'm not known for but I found it.
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Trying to take care of myself. Getting sleep - finally. Trying to do things that make me happy. Trying to breathe.
GOOD! You have to do this. HAVE to. Ever meditated before? It has helped me. I still struggle with it but it's a metaphor for life and who doesn't struggle with life sometimes?
Holidays are tough. There's no denying it. They just are. Instead of seeing this holiday as the first one without H why not start a new tradition in honor of your grandfather. Yes, H isn't there. Yes, things are a little nuts right now but YOU get to define what this holiday is like for YOU. There's great freedom in that.
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IC tonight where I plan on talking about last week's ridiculous (in my opinion) therapy session with H and his IC.
I'm not sure what is up with H's IC but it's out of your control. Completely. I struggled with this A LOT, too. I was so worried that H would find someone who was super pro divorce and tell him to grow a pair and stay out and blah, blah, blah.
It's not for you to choose or to analyze. He picked his IC. You picked yours. YOu can only work on you in your way.
His choices are his choices. Yours are yours. In the end, he may not do the work. That's something I am super concerned about with my H, too. He can go through the motions but the REAL work? "It's doubtful he can handle it", is what my condescending mind tells me but you know what? Maybe he is doing the work. Maybe he's not. Right now it doesn't matter.
You are. YOu're doing the work. You.
Focus on you.
Let us know how your YOU focused IC session went tonight.
