Busting this Divorce - Standing Firm

[HPoirot]

I see how I've been so focused on W and OM and MC the past many days. While I've learned a lot and often felt stronger... I've also made myself sick, unhappy, and neglected my work and self improvement. I feel so much stress right now I'm not enjoying time with my S11. Yesterday ended so nice... now tonight I feel like sh*t from one silly mistake.

The rest of today went so well and I really wanted to end strong. I knew she would ask to watch our show together... told myself to be prepared... and I was not at all ready. Would it have been better if I just took the drink she made for me and watched the show with her like old times? I would have loved tonight to end like that. It would have if I just let it. Instead of her leaving the house again to get her nails done, we would be sitting here right now drinking rum and watching zombies like old times. And I would have been very happy...

A very happy idiot.

I see I'm still emotionally following my W around. Still looking for wins and for when she's softens towards me instead of mainly focusing on strengthening myself. She knows my buttons and when she's feeling strong she will push them if I pursue, act needy, bring up OM, or angle for MC. And when she does, I hide it... but I feel weak and she knows it.

Lesson learned again.

It's hard living here with her like this. She's so angry with me then she tells me she's scared she's making a mistake and she loves me. And I still react to it all at least mentally.

I really want to detach from all this.

I think it would be good for her, my boy, and our living together if I did too.

It's like I'm waiting to become detached. I'm not sure I've really tried to detach yet. Time to find a way to actually practice detachment.

And now again I feel like I can't see how I get to my goal from here. Complete opposite of last night.

I can get more consistent mentally. Maybe I feel like cr*p because I'm sitting here on the couch alone eating Oreos.

I can do better.