Moments of "giddy"... I'll take 'em!

[fthnluv]

Had an interesting morning. H called and we talked for over 2 hours, it was a decent conversation. Mostly me talking and him not saying too much. Warning: Most of this is so NOT DBing correctly, but it was honest.

I asked H to call so we can work out plans for him to see the kids this weekend. I asked if he could help me put up the Christmas tree while he was here to get the kids. He said that he was unsure about spending any time around me, that he was afraid we would fight again. I asked what we had to fight about and he said he did not know. Here's where I went off course: I told him that I only foresaw a fight if he lied to me or was disrespectful or threatening our financial and emotional security again as he did last time he was here. I told him that maybe we should talk about a few things before he came here.

I then proceeded to tell him I knew about his new FB profile and that I thought it was insensitive of him to go public with his new GF when we are still married, barely broken up. I told him he looks like an adulterer to the world, he said he does not care what people think of him. I told him that I care because it affects me and the kids as the public thinks of him as part of us still and that it reflects badly on us. He disagrees.

H confirmed, after my directly asking and him trying to beat around the bush, that he and OW are now engaged. No surprise there, I found her engagement ring info when I discovered she existed so I knew it was coming. Confirming it was more about him being forthright than me getting into his business. I want us to be able to talk like we used to and that means we need to minimize secrets between us. H said he plans on remarrying OW when our D is final.

I asked if they are planning on having kids, he says they have discussed it but not come to a decision (or at least one he was willing to admit). I pointed out that if he has kids with her it will send a big message to our kids that he wants to live with his "other" kids but that they are not good enough to live with and that if (when) that M implodes it will just be another child support payment that he has to pay and then he will have the mess of having 2 sets of kids on the opposite sides of the country to deal with. He tells me he has and is thinking of all of this. I don't know how true that is but maybe he will think of it now.

I told him that I will not go around telling people that he was cheating on me and that, once they discover his new woman, I will let them assume it is new. I asked him if he thought he owed me an apology about having an affair and he finally apologized and said he was sorry he did it the way that he did but it is clear he is not sorry that he is with her. At one point he told me that I would always consider him cheating with her forever and I told him that in the eyes of God he always will be but that I would have been much more fine with him if he had waited until we actually split to get together with someone else. Of course, I'm not gonna like it, ever, but it would have been much better and more acceptable to the world.

We got into a conversation about how their R started and he confirmed that he started dating her shortly after he met her last November and that she has been told all along that we were separated. She has no idea that he was still married (and acting as such) to me when they got together and until August of this year. This does not surprise me either, I figured he was lying to both of us, but it makes me feel a *tiny* bit better about her as she was not knowingly, pursuing a man who was still "actively" married but instead she was ok with dating a man who was going through a divorce (in her eyes).

I told him that he is kidding himself that he does not see how she factored in to our split. He was actively dating her and at the same time "claiming" to be working on our marriage problems with pastors and counselors. I told him that we may have had a different outcome if she hadn't been in the picture and he actually WAS actively trying to save our marriage. He completely denies this as truth and thinks she is no factor in our D at all. He says he was done as of Dec last year and that she did not change anything. Funny, when asked directly if he wanted a D and if there was another person by me, our pastor and our marriage coach he denied it to us all...

I told him that I missed our friendship and that I miss having someone who cares about me, misses me and loves me. I told him that I worry about how he will take it if/when they split because he has never gone through a split and hurt like I am. I pointed out that he went from having me tell him all the time how much I love him and miss him to her telling him the same thing. Actually those overlapped. He has never had to deal with being dumped by someone he loves and feeling so rejected and lonely. Their R has been built on lies and it is a house of cards that is bound to fall.

At one point I was talking about being friends and he asked me why I would want to be friends with him if he was the guy I said he was (a guy who lies, cheats and leaves his wife and kids and is cool with that) and who I resent and I told him I do because I know the real guy and that he is not him. I told him I know the man he was for the last 23 years and that I know him better than OW ever will and that we have a past and a history that tells me the truth and that God has put it on my heart to hold on to the real him.

I told him that I understand that he is not having an easy time with all of this either, that I know he is wresting with guilt, shame and doubts and is likely having thoughts and dreams he wishes he could not have. He confirmed that it is not easy on him and told me that the life he seems to be living isn't as glamorous as I imagine it to be. I told him I would always be here for him if he needs to or wants to talk.

He told me it is hard to talk because I "brow beat" him which I asked him to clarify and he then told me that I tell him things that he does not want to hear (ie: the cheating, the possible new kids, the lying to me and OW). I told him that he could tell me if he does not want to hear about that but that I will always be honest with him. He said he does not want to hang or be friends with someone like that and I told him that friends should be honest with each other too and that I expect my friends to tell me when I am going down a bad path.

H confirmed that he will be spending Thanksgiving with OW's family and said that he had met her parents before and that they know they are engaged. I would still like to be a fly on that wall! I told him I hope he has a nice time and finds happiness and that I will be here, celebrating with his kids, parents and siblings. Nice contrast there...

After all of this I feel there's not much left to say or work out. I know where he stands, he knows where I stand and what I know and as long as he continues to provide for us and gets more involved with his kids (as much as a MLCer can, that is) we have nothing to argue about. I truly have let him go and I am doing my best to follow God's plan for me. I know He has amazing things in store for me and my kids. I guess I'm still holding on to H some, though, because I do worry about the choices he is making and how they will affect him (and us). Gotta keep working on detachment!

Oh, and I REALLY, REALLY want to go back and make my FB profile public so that OW can just "happen" to see it and see all my posts over the last 2 years and see that we have been a couple this whole time. But, I know that I only want that so that she will get mad, feel betrayed, and dump him. Part of me wants to do it SO BAD but the other says that he would know right away why I did it and it would just cause so many problems with him and I that it wouldn't be worth it. Of course, another part of me says that if she dumps him because of it he would be alone and maybe better able to process this whole MLC thing without the blindness that the OW provides...

I'm ready, I know I made a lot of mistakes. Let me have it where I need it!