New to DB - Need Help! Pt 2

[NH115]

I was actually reluctant at first to pop that term in here because it can be viewed with a lot of negativity. However, it's one of those things that seems to be ingrained biologically. I have done a lot of reading and observing on my own and this is a very common issue with the younger generation and has roots in our generation. With the increase in the "disposable marriage" attitude and feeling of entitlement, it is my opinion that this plays a part in some WAS situations, albeit subconsciously. Understand, this doesn't have to be strictly based on financial status or the type; social status & personality also plays a large role and causes the person to be seen as higher value & exciting.

As far as being either "alpha" or "beta"; it's not one or the other; you have to maintain a mix of both traits in your frame in regards to LTR & Marriage.

Consider the typical "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech we get, or it's various forms. What does that really mean? Break down the key words:

Love = the loving, caring, connection type actions which gives comfort and bonding in the relationship = "beta" traits that release Oxytocin

In Love = Fun, exciting, charismatic, charming type actions which are attractive = "alpha" traits that release dopamine.

So, replace the key words in that statement and you get:

"I "oxytocin" you, but I'm not in "dopamine" with you". In other words, the loving bond is still there, but you don't excite me or attract me anymore. This explains the waffling between the BS & the OP; they still have the bond with the BS, but they are getting the dopamine rush from the OP.

In short, this is part of the "marriage is work". You have to stay engaged, keep it exciting, "date" each other continually and mix it up!

Damn, Az, where were you a couple of weeks ago? J/K. I appreciate your input.

Some of the words my W has used to describe OM are identical to what you posted.

Fun, exciting, charismatic, charming

He charms the panties off of her (well, not literally, but you get the point). He's a salesman type who presents himself very well. He's arguably more financially successful than I am based on his job title. Other adjectives she's used: light, goofy, funny.

She's in a pretty lucid place right now. She knows "logically" that he's a scoundrel, that he's not trustworthy, that he's being dishonest with his wife, and that he still makes her wet anyway. And because HE is making her feel this way, I have very little chance to have the same effect on her.

I knew that she was always an emotionally driven person; I just didn't realize HOW emotionally driven. She can see how f'd up her emotions are, but she can't get past them.

It's funny, and I'm sure this is the oxytocin talking, that she tells me she draws no comfort off of me, yet she gets really uneasy not having me around.

I want to turn up the spontaneity and laughter in our lives; laughter is a big deal to her. If you have any ideas about how to do that and continue my 180s, I'm all ears.

I'm glad you mentioned the term "hypergamy". It opened up a whole new world of information for me. I have finally figured out that if a man loses his mojo after getting married, all the rings and vows in the world won't protect his relationship. That's what happened to me, in a nutshell.

^^^^^^This! Emotional connection is HUGE for them! this is why it is frequent that the wife is more distraught over the EA than a PA! An EA is more destructive in my opinion than a PA or a ONS due to how bad it erodes the connection & bond between the BS & the WAS. The longer the EA continues, the chance of a PA almost becomes inevitable! When I busted my X's second PA, they were already in the planning stages for him to visit our city & her!!!


Az

I have not explicitly demanded that she cut off OM, just because I know that demanding will get me exactly nowhere, but I need to make her understand that she will lose me forever if she cannot get him taken care of. She will lose me....not the other way around. I've alread decided that if she continues to make this douchebag more important than me, I'm going to stop wasting my time with her.