New to DB - Need Help! Pt 2

[Azagtoth]

I had never heard the word "hypergamy" before so I did some research. Came across some interesting material, much of which dovetails nicely with the concepts behind the 180 rules. I thought as long as I had a ring on it, I was "safe" in my marriage, but I'm starting to realize how beta I've been. Thought provoking! Thanks Az!

I was actually reluctant at first to pop that term in here because it can be viewed with a lot of negativity. However, it's one of those things that seems to be ingrained biologically. I have done a lot of reading and observing on my own and this is a very common issue with the younger generation and has roots in our generation. With the increase in the "disposable marriage" attitude and feeling of entitlement, it is my opinion that this plays a part in some WAS situations, albeit subconsciously. Understand, this doesn't have to be strictly based on financial status or the type; social status & personality also plays a large role and causes the person to be seen as higher value & exciting.

As far as being either "alpha" or "beta"; it's not one or the other; you have to maintain a mix of both traits in your frame in regards to LTR & Marriage.

Consider the typical "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech we get, or it's various forms. What does that really mean? Break down the key words:

Love = the loving, caring, connection type actions which gives comfort and bonding in the relationship = "beta" traits that release Oxytocin

In Love = Fun, exciting, charismatic, charming type actions which are attractive = "alpha" traits that release dopamine.

So, replace the key words in that statement and you get:

"I "oxytocin" you, but I'm not in "dopamine" with you". In other words, the loving bond is still there, but you don't excite me or attract me anymore. This explains the waffling between the BS & the OP; they still have the bond with the BS, but they are getting the dopamine rush from the OP.

In short, this is part of the "marriage is work". You have to stay engaged, keep it exciting, "date" each other continually and mix it up!

Thanks Az. I'm not quite to the point of worrying about the financial side.

You should be. You should also not be so dismissive that it is "only" an EA. Us men make that mistake all the time, and just ask the women on your thread -- an EA means more to a woman than a PA does.

^^^^^^This! Emotional connection is HUGE for them! this is why it is frequent that the wife is more distraught over the EA than a PA! An EA is more destructive in my opinion than a PA or a ONS due to how bad it erodes the connection & bond between the BS & the WAS. The longer the EA continues, the chance of a PA almost becomes inevitable! When I busted my X's second PA, they were already in the planning stages for him to visit our city & her!!!


Az