I think being truly and lovingly detached begins when we let go of attachment to outcomes (cause we know we'll be OK) and we stop trying to control others, even "for their own good."
I occasionally challenge myself to pay attention (another good skill to develop) to every time I try to control another human being, even in the slightest way. It can be with a look, a tone of voice, phrasing, demeanor. I'm always surprised at how ingrained control is in us and so it shouldn't be a surprise that we do this a lot with our children.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
So how did you separate your hope from a mutual hope and make it more singular?
Frankly, it all started with putting my marriage away. It's not an alive marriage. Trying to perform CPR on it is futile in my case. It just is dead. I know this. If there's any hope for H and I to be together again it has to be 100% a new marriage. 100%.
Knowing that is one thing but preparing myself for the realities of that is harder. That means divorce. Flat out, the marriage is over. So as MWD suggests, I mentally divorced my marriage (this is a process, I'm not done yet). Doing that, I developed hope for me. ME. Singular hope.
That's not to say I don't have hope in H but hope in him sets me up for disappointment because I can't control him. He's on his own journey and he's certainly not going to walk his path the way I'd want him to. To expect he would perpetuates the problems in the marriage that is dead and keeps me from working on my issues with control, condescension, etc.
I'm determined to not waste my pain. I'm going to learn from every single ache I've felt and will feel. And I don't want to carry resentment about it, I want to be free and clear and that only happens when you let go. I can't claim I've dropped the rope, not that kind of letting go. I mean, I've taken back my responsibility for my own feelings, my own work, my own path. There's freedom in that and so, so much hope.
H may or may not get there. It's out of my hands. I can only be the best me I know how to be. For me. For D. For any future relationship I'm in.
Detachment came naturally for me once I got here. I'm an overthinker by nature and mental distance (meditation, staying busy, leaning on myself) helped immensely.
As a bonus, I started to like things about myself again. I stopped trying to see myself through his eyes and began to look at myself through my own. I like order and systems. H is the creative type and nothing happens systematically or without chaos and a giant path of destruction. I was ashamed for a long time by my need for order and systems. I'm learning that that's just ME and there's nothing wrong with my need for that. I'm not over-the-top about it.
I simply like being able to find things, know there's money in the bank account, scan my card without worrying if the bill got paid, make a grocery list, post a school calendar in the kitchen where I can see it. These are NOT shameful things or reasons why I'm inadequate. I know this now and I'm proud of that realization.
I have some resentment to work through there but it's mine. Not his to fix for me by coming back.
I can only work on me and while the responsibility there is great, there's a relief that I don't have to fix him or help him fix himself.
I think being truly and lovingly detached begins when we let go of attachment to outcomes (cause we know we'll be OK) and we stop trying to control others, even "for their own good."
Thanks for that, Labug. Interesting to see you link it back to control. I need to do some more work in this area clearly.
Ss, you sound like you are a world away from when I last stopped by your thread. You are a different person, comfortable in your own skin. You should be so proud!
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Ss, you crack me up. You say you don't know how you got to detachment, then you proceed to rattle off one of the best detachment roadmaps I've seen so far
And I don't think it was an accident. It was just persistence + time. Keep it up, and don't be discouraged by backslides or bad days! I still have them, but they're fewer and further between, shorter, and less intense every time. Now it's more like bad hours instead of bad days
I knew you'd get here
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
So many of you had so much faith in me I feel so blessed to be here, like you all thought I'd be. What would I do without you all?
Card, ever get writing and responding to someone and then say, "OMG, I just answered the question if been working through for the last month?" Well, that's what happened there with the detachment thing. It feels good. Natural. And what a relief because I was in a BAD way. Really bad.
And you're right, there are still not-so-awesome times but they're fewer and farther between and when they do arise, as they are wont to do, I can handle myself better in them because it's just ME I have to worry about.
