Blindsided and on my own (10)

[Underdog]

Hiya rpp,

I sure hope you're feeling better today. Sounds like a stressful way to start TG week.

Maybe I spent too many years doing it all myself for these things to even occur to him and now I am faulting the beast I've created.

I think this is exactly the case. I like Bug's comment about being an accessory. This was true for me as well. You're probably going to have to teach him how to pick up the reins by letting him know what he can expect from you now that you are separated. Be objective and fair and be specific. He may not do it your way, but you're going to have to let him do things his way.

It's the sense of being taken care of that I'm looking for, not the actual act of picking them up. I had the logistics taken care of, I always do. I just wanted someone to say "I have your back".

Well, I'm afraid that the barn door is open and the animals have fled. Expecting him to act as a husband should under the present circumstances is like expecting a cat to bark. It's not gonna happen, rpp. At least now. And you're going to have to expect him to behave as a divorced man would. I know you're not divorced, but act as if this man has no emotional ties to you and curtail those expectations.

So I'd ask to set up a family meeting to address the issues that you need HIM to fill now that you shouldn't be expected to have his back. He's going to be inconvenienced, and tough titties. You don't have to be unkind about it, but a dose of reality will go a long way toward getting him to start thinking in terms of being a present dad with his kids and not expecting you to be mom AND dad.

You may have to tweak things and renegotiate if he's not able to fulfill what the courts will expect him to do if he's divorced. That would be comp time or additional child support. So set this up so everyone wins.

The expectations need to go, rpp. If they are not agreed upon verbally (or in writing), they don't exist. Got it?

Hugs-
Betsey