I'm having a hard time with the idea that my WAH is lost, hurting and scared. REALLY hard time with it. He got to walk away, unload 31 years of childhood/adult issues onto me. He left me behind to deal with the legal ramifications of backing out of a house purchase two weeks before it closed. He left me to unpack a house, to take care of the animals and everything that comes with every day life. And what does he do? He sits in a hotel room (paid for by his parents), goes to work, goes to therapy and become increasingly angry at me.
Yes, I realize that I am angry. Very angry. Because all I can see is my side. And I chalk that up to the nightmare that I've been living. Logically, I can understand that he is going through some serious issues to do what he's doing. I get that, I truly do. But emotionally, I'm pissed. And hurt. Really, really hurt.
And it's a tough thing to stomach.
Trying to detach. I re-read the 37 rules daily. Here's hoping that serenity and understanding comes sooner, rather than later.
Again, thank you for the welcome -- and I'm sure the size of your ears are just fine. :-D
It IS a hard thing to stomach, and I know right now they just look possessed and evil. Their fear, confusion, and not just a little self-loathing makes them lash out in cruel ways. I had the privilege of hearing my previously loving wife of 19 years screaming that she hated me and I ruined her life. She screamed at me that I was too weak for her and she needed a stronger man. She screamed at me that she wanted to f*** the OM. This was just a few days ago. She has never spoken to me that way ever in two decades. This weekend she was almost her old self and was picking out colors to paint the accent wall in our bedroom. Roller coaster is not a strong enough image in my opinion.
Detachment helped me to weather this and see it for what it was...the verbal spewing of a lost, terrifed, frightened and not just a little victim-y person. The ability to detach helped me set clear, firm, but loving boundaries about what I will or will not accept out of her. Detachment has helped me see (and project to her) that she is on her own journey. She'll either come down on the side of me or she won't. If she does I will be incredibly happy. If she doesn't, I'll go find a woman who's worth my time. Detachment is for YOU. To save your sanity and help you run this gauntlet with a clear sense of self and a clear view of them.
It is HARD to detach when you love the person so much. When she's not cruel, I want so desperately to run to her, hold her, and make her feel better. The problem is, you can't make them feel better, and it'll likely backfire because you're demonstrating your own neediness when you try to fix them. Neediness on your part will push them further. My wife can tell that I've detached...she even said the word "detached" last night...and then she tried to hold my hand for the first time in a week.
Detachment is a journey, and you will stumble along the way, I haven't perfected it, and it's been two months. Just pick yourself up, slap your forehead (not too hard, now), and drive on. Keep posting! This forum has been a godsend.
And yes, my ears are a hazard in strong winds, but I've never gotten grief for them :-)
Last edited by Rzrback; 11/25/1403:40 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
