The 9th Step is difficult because it requires humility, introspection, empathy and good judgment. It is easy to use this step as a punishment device.
Let’s use the example of a husband confessing to his ex-wife that he had an affair with her sister. He says the reason he is confessing is because he is “making direct amends.”
But the truth is this type of information isn’t making amends because there is no value in the information being presented. The couple is divorced. Therefore this information is injurious and only causes pain, not healing.
So when approaching this step ask yourself, “What injury(ies) have I caused my wife? Can these injury(ies) be healed/resolved? If these injury(ies) can be healed/resolved what steps are required of me to heal/resolve these injury(ies)?”
Making amends to people is not only an apology. It is an acknowledgement that you have wronged them and an attempt to right the wrong when possible.
If any of the injury(ies) you want to amend are unknown to your wife then ask yourself the following: “Can this injury be healed/resolved?” “Even if this injury can be healed/resolved, what value will be added to her life if she learns about the injury?”
