HI, Calibri. I'm sorry that your circumstance brought you here, but I can say that you are in the right place. There are some folks here who are very knowledgeable, and they may help you with some of the specifics in DB.
I can say that something I learned, when dealing with a walk away spouse, they will insist on blaming you for everything that is wrong in the marriage and in their lives. I was blind sided and hurt by this behavior in my wife, and it sounds as if your husband is doing much the same. Detaching is hard....very hard, but you can not try to make logic out of something that is simply not logical. And WAS' are not, but any definition, logical.
I get the 'wind out of your sails' syndrome that you mentioned. It seemed that after my wife left she continiously found ways to cut down any confidence I may have been trying to gather. I'm not sufe if it was intentional, but it sure felt that way at times.
I have the hardest time with detaching too. It's hard, and I am not very good at it. But I have found that the little bit I have been able t detach has made me less defensive and feel just a little bit better. Its an important skill, and necessary to your survival and potential reconciliation.
I know this is hard. Any one here who replies to you knows the same. Take heart in that you are not alone...we're all in the same boat, pretty much, and there is much wisdom to be gleaned here.
