Yeah, I too have arrived at the point I do not miss W, I miss her when she was nice, but this MLC think it has been some time since she was just nice and loving, and I catch myself missing a ghost in a sense so I get that. I think I realized I miss feeling whole and having that family presence .... some of that is her, but more of it is me I think. I like you find myself with certain desires that are overwhelming, however I struggle with them .... with my journey and the fact I have increased with my faith ... I am conflicted and wonder are these tests I am supposed to pass, these desires do I act on them knowing I may regret them after ... or even worse .. what happens if I do not regret them .. what path would all that lead me down ... so yeah .. I kinda get that, especially living in a SSM for as long as I have its like I have a Willy Wonka Golden Ticket and could very well present it to any woman and of course I would score .. lol
Reading more of what you wrote... is this more about you being accepted for your looks competing with your Mom? Granola over taking the Queen? I do know during some really awful spew the W and her MLC threw out at me .. there were times I needed to prove those things wrong, once I received some attention I bailed. The physical thing is something though ... might be worth diggin more there and finding a source.... regardless you are not alone, maybe there is just a bit of comfort in that.
