Angry WAH blames me for everything.......

[Calibri]

We spend the next three weeks with him alternating between screaming at me for everything (breathing, asking him to go to the doctor to get checked out from a mental health standpoint, asking if he was ok), especially emphasizing his anger at me and him cutting off contact from me. Complete stonewalling in therapy. He holed himself up in a hotel room, not eating, started smoking up a storm, drinking lots off coffee and sleeping too much. When he starts hitting things out of frustration (never in front of me, but on the phone when we were communicating) I started getting extremely alarmed. I worried about him hitting rock bottom or self harming so I call his parents. Who promptly blame the whole thing on me and tell me that if I would just give him space, he could process his feelings and he would calm down. Come to find out they think physical violence and breaking things out of anger is “normal behavior” – so not much help there. H proclaims he's staying in the hotel cut off from everyone until he's "no longer mad at anything."

He comes to our last MC session and announces that he’s going to file for separation and that I should know about it before he does it. Bomb #9. And he’s just so smug while he’s saying it. Like he’s congratulating himself on doing something. I’m just baffled by where everything is coming from and trying to figure out what’s going on. After I’ve calmed down, I go and visit him at the hotel. Tell him I’m not there to plead for our relationship, but that I’m disappointed that he chose not to trust me and tell me his concerns and give us an opportunity to work on them. That while he was congratulating himself on ending his marriage and becoming this new person – he really wasn’t. That he was repeating the same patterns he’s always had with conflict: avoid it. And that he shouldn’t be too smug because even if we didn’t work out – he was going to have the same problems in any relationship. That if he didn’t vocalize his problems/concerns if was going to be right back in the same patterns. He looked visibly shaken at that point and asked if we could go back to therapy or “talk and see how things work out.” I ask why – he had the opportunity for the last month to do that. Why now? He doesn’t have an answer. Come to find out later, he threw that out there because he felt that it was the “right thing to do”. Tell him that he should really consider not making permanent decisions when it’s obvious he’s in such an emotional place.

The next few weeks consists of a roller coaster of up and downs, he doesn’t want to talk, but then wants to take me out for dinner before I leave on a business trip because it would be nice to see me. He spends our anniversary screaming at me – telling me to “shut the *censored* up for once in my life so he can see if he can learn to love me again. He says he wants to start talking “just to see what could come of it” but quickly gets agitated during conversations and ends them and will go dark. Then he comes back – wants to hang out.

We go on two different outings – and he’s just so different. He’s dead behind the eyes, doesn’t have a lot to say, acting nervous, smoking like a chimney (even though he knows I’m allergic to cig smoke). I’m not even on his radar. He’s there, but not there. When I express how upsetting it is to be around him this way, he says “this is his new personality and according to his therapist, I’m (meaning me) going to have to figure out if I like it or not.” I’m starting to side eye both H and H’s IC. Learn that he doesn’t really want to talk or hang out, he feels like he needs to do it because, “it will make me feel better about the situation in the long run.”

Then another cycle of screaming starts again when we have conversations and I get more bombs dropped on me:
Bomb #9 – H’s been unhappy most of our marriage, all we had are bad times.

Bomb #10 – I’ve ruined him emotionally for the rest of his life.

Bomb#11 – Trying to provide emotional support to me during trying times took everything out of him emotionally.

Bomb #12– “I love you, but I will never open my heart up to you again from all the pain you’ve caused me."

Bomb #13 - I'm controlling and manipulative and he's so glad to be away from me and our house....that he now views as a prison.

At this point – I am beyond devastated. When I say that he never mentioned anything, I mean NEVER. No indication. All of our friends and family are floored because from outward appearances he was very happy, very in love, very supportive. Everything one could want in a spouse. Was I a perfect wife, no not at all – but at no point in time was my behavior ever something that would ruin someone. Was our marriage perfect? Not at all – but the way he’s acting you would think it was the worst thing in the world with constant conflicts, etc. It’s been a tough two months – because he literally changed his personality, walked out, left me in a house that was packed up (literally) ready to move and has stonewalled any attempt for me to understand what’s going on. When I ask for him to elaborate he gives me the same answer, “I’m too angry to talk about it.”

I don’t understand how someone can just NOT SAY ANYTHING. And how do you just avoid everything and expect it to change? This man is my heart and soul and it devastates me that he feels I am the cause of every problem he’s had. The lashing out, the nasty things he’s said, it’s all taken a toll. I’m in a dark place – because when you hear everything is bad and you reflect upon it – all you can see is the bad. And it’s getting to the point where I’m questioning everything. Was I the wife he claims I was? Am I hallucinating all the good times? I’ve been so happy for the last 10 years of my life, how could I have missed this?

So, here’s where we’re at:
1.Yes. I’ve read DR. I’m working on 180s though I think I need help defining them. GAL and PMA are much harder. I’ve had the wind taken out of my sails. Multiple times. Each time the wind gets taken out of my sails I’m finding it harder to bounce back.

2.Detaching. Ha. I wish there was a detachment for dummies book ‘cause I would be all over that.

3.There’s no OW/OP/EA. I snooped when he started acting weird. I’ve asked him point blank and he’s said no. And to be honest, with the way he’s acting – I don’t know how he would be able to maintain it.

4.Both our primary care physician and his IC and my IC do not suspect any type of mental illness, although I question that – but I think that’s my bias from my own background. He’s able to function at work, and with other people – so they believe he’s not having a mental breakdown. I/our relationship seems to be a trigger. That’s an awesome feeling. /sarcasm

5. He has NOT filed for legal separation. (We live in a state where you have to be apart for a year before you can file for D, regardless of legal separation)

6.He’s gotten on meds, and upped his dosage and appears to be calming down.

7.His temper is getting better but he’s still having pretty bad outbursts.

8.Our contact has become extremely limited due to the above.

9.We both are in IC.

10.H realizes that he has “lots of issues and needs to work on himself”

11.He is “open to the possibility of reconciliation in the future – but finds it very hard to see a reconciliation and doesn’t want to consider it at this point right now.” I question if this is him blowing smoke – but I have no way of knowing.

12.I realize that this blows. A lot.