I'm finding that i'm holding on to the little things, making it a big thing, and that is why i'm not interested in being sexual.
I get that he uses sex to feel emotionally bonded, and i would like to feel emotionally bonded before i'm interested in sex.
communication is the biggest thing with us at the moment. we need to learn better ways to communicate. I've asked him several times if we can do a communication exercise...he always agrees to do it, but when it comes time to, he has reasons for not following through. On the other hand, if there is an exercise or game that would get me more in the moood for sex, he's all about trying it. THAT is frustrating.
anyway... hope you all have a great holiday
A couple more random thoughts.
Give yourself a chalenge, such as for the next 30 days, I will give my H, unconditional love. And then give him unconditional love (to make him FEEL LOVED as he wants to be) without expecting anything in return. The moment your mind says, hey I did this for him and he did nothing for me, remind yourself that unconditional love is about giving and not getting. Its a hard, but a useful exercise. You might also want to note if your H changes the way he treats you or if he just uses you. I'll wager he changes some of the ways he treats you, but not at first.
Unconditional love is about giving for the right reasons. It is about I love you and want the best for you and for you to feel my love. In my mind it is closely related to (but in reverse) the problem with being a Nice Guy. One of the key signs of being a NG is creating covert contracts. That is saying to yourself, if I do X for my spouse, they will finally realize how good I am and do what I need. Because I need Y from my spouse, I will do X until they give me what I want, not matter what. Well it doesn't work like that.
Your expecting something in return is kind of a covert contract whether you want to admit it or not. By holding on to the little things and expecting him to change before you can open up, you may be doing something quite similar to what you think is wrong with your husband's approach to your relationship, which is why an unconditional love challenge may cause you to realise some things about yourself.
Men and women view sex differently, as I am sure you know and as you wrote. Many men in a monogomous relationship need regular sex, but they need it so that they feel emotionally bonded and close to the woman they love. Those feelings are addictive. Someone has to break the chain and start the addiction. MWD says, "just do it" to the LD partner as a way of breaking the chain. Most men crave that emotional connection and miss it when the wife just lays there and tells them to get it over with or fakes sexual enthusiasm. One of the worst moments in my life was when my wife told me she had an early morning meeting and needed to be asleep in 5 minutes so I needed to hurry and get it over with. I told her hell no, I deseverd better. She had thought she was doing me a favor, she was belittling the emotional connection I needed.
My personal bias is that I beleive Dr D. Schnarch is right when he says that married couple typically don't have communication problems, they communicate too well.
I really believe that. Schnarch uses an example of a married couple at dinner who don't speak to each other, but are totally in synch with each other, pass things to the other, know what the other thinks, needs, wants, and know what their spouse will and will not do for them. They have had all these converstations hundreds of times before, know they are not going to change positions and don't need to expend the effort to argue things that aren't going to change.
The beauty of the MWD approach with 180's is that the old conversation, no longer applies. You are sitting at the table with someone who is "different" and doesn't behave as you know they will. That means you have to treat them differently. That means you have to NEGOTIATE NEW BOUNDARIES of behavior between the two of you. It isn't a communications issue, it is a boundary negotiations issue.
Yes, have a great holiday season. May you find the love you want and deserve.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
