Am I the only LD here?

[Young at Heart]

.....OHMYGODS...I married a nice guy!!! this is exactly what he does...he believes if he does X I will do Y...and when I don't..he gets bummed, distant, and b!tchy. I've tried telling him that X doesn't work for me, but, as you mention, old habits die hard.
I will buy him the book No More Mr Nice Guy for Yule!

Let me give you a little bit of caution.

First, read the book yourself or buy two copies.

Second, (and this is the biggie) transitioning from being a NG is very hard to do as it was something that was ingrained/conditioned/taught over multiple decades. It is not an easy transition. There is some tendancy to become the "jerk" that women seem to prefer over marriage material men. One has to guard against it. The transition is most easily done if one has (or had at one time in one's life) a strong male mentor.

Not being a nice guy, when done right, is about becoming an integrated MAN, who has a life of his own, who has interest of his own, and who has standards of behavior that he will accept from others and himself(i.e. boundaries and that includes his wife). That means that as he transitions from being a NG, all of his close relationships will probably need to undergo some change or redefinition of healthy boundaries.

So be careful for what you wish for. Still most women fall in love with integrated men, marry them and some try to change them into nice guys. Other women find nice guys and like the way they are treated by them, but loose respect for their NG men over time.

If you want your husband to abandon his NG ways, he will need to Get a Life (GAL) doing "manly" things that he prides/values among other men. As Glover points out, in our society boys don't have the mentoring by strong male figures they did in Pre-Industrial Revolution times, women dominate the education system, feminism has made male sterotypes obsolete (or at least un PC), and there are few if any initiation rights or rights of passage from youth to man left in our culture. The book Iron John is another classic on being a man. The website The Art of Manliness is a "cheesey" but useful site for your husband.

As you can tell by this post, I was a NG and struggle from time to time on relapses. My GAL includes endurance events (half marathons, 15K's, 200 mile/2day bike events, rock & glacier mountain climbing, weight lifting). It also includes bonding with my adult sons and teaching them how to use an ax, a chainsaw, how to cut down a tree, how to use a table saw and skill saw, how to backpack in a wilderness for days, how to be a marksman with a rifle, and a variety of other things. Oh, and I make my living as a nerdy pencil pushing engineer, who thinks what he does is awesome and makes this a better world, by improving people's lives.

My wife lost almost all respect for me until I worked on my MWD SSM 180's which inculded dropping as many of my NG tendencies as I could and pushing myself to adopt a Manly G.A.L. She love the financial security, but didn't find me interesting,or thrilling until I changed. Sometimes she relapses as well with the new boundaries.

Good luck.