Angry WAH blames me for everything.......

[Calibri]

I apologize in advance for the length of this intro post(s). I realize the more depth the better -- and I'll have to post multiple times to get the whole story out.

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H&I are both 31. Have been together for 10 years, married for 4. No kids. We both come from not so nice backgrounds. His mother is an alcoholic, possible prescription pill addict (at one time), with undiagnosed bi-polar or borderline personality disorder. His father enabled mother’s alcoholism, much to the dismay of H and H brother. Husband has self-esteem, co-dependency and people pleasing issues stemming from this (this is not mind reading – confirmed by him, and therapist, and well, what I’ve witnessed first hand). He also HATES confrontation. Learned to avoid it living with his mother. Mother is very volatile, manipulative, and controlling.

I come from divorced parents, my father is a bipolar, prone to violence off his meds. Father in and out of my life depending on if he was med compliant. Mother remarried – step-father was a very difficult person to grow up with. He’s mellowed out over the years, but let me tell you….being raised by someone fresh out of the military with no experience with children is not something I would wish upon anyone. I have abandonment and insecurity issues stemming from my bio dad and his mental illness. Having dealt with my dad, and dealing with some not so nice other issues (abuse) over the years – I’ve become, for a lack of better words – a tough b*tch. I’m an assertive, to the point, sarcastic, blunt personality. I learned at an early age that really, the only person who is going to look out for yourself is you. But what I can tell you, the tough exterior is all a façade and at the end of the day I have the same issues and insecurities as everyone else.

So. Having said all that……

I thought we were living the dream. Both had recently gotten new jobs that we enjoyed, were in the process of buying our forever home (which was also my childhood home), both were getting into shape and had shared hobbies we enjoyed. In short, I thought we were the best we had ever been.

Apparently I was wrong. Way wrong.

In August, I put my husband on a plane to go visit his family for a long overdue family reunion. I stayed behind for many reasons. The first day H was gone, he and I got in a fight about his parents and how they were manipulating him not even an hour into his trip. I admit it, I lost it. I don’t remember if I apologized about the outburst, but we went on with life.

H came back from the trip a completely different person. EVERYONE noticed. Couldn’t figure out what was going on. Anytime I’d ask, he would say he was fine, just stressed from selling our house, upcoming move etc. Finally got him to talk – and then the bombs started dropping left and right.

Bomb #1: H wants to have kids. I’m shocked because we both had wanted to be child free. He stated he wanted children for the past two years. NEVER SAID A THING (spoiler – this will become a theme) – even when I questioned him ever so often about remaining child free. He didn’t want to have conversation with me because he knew I didn’t want children and was afraid of what that would mean for the marriage. As the conversation went on he became more firm in his stance. He would have kids with me (gee, thanks?) but he shouldn’t have to give up his dream of having kids and if I wouldn’t have kids he needed to find someone else who would.

Bomb#2 - He doesn’t want to buy the house we’re under contract for buying. I point out that he was the one who encouraged me to go after my dream, pushed me to see if we could do it, talked me back into it when I was trying to talk myself out of it. Said he realized that, but he didn’t want to buy it – because “it was too far out there” (in the country) and that if it were up to him he’d live in a “condo downtown”. Ohhhhkkkkaaay.

Bomb#3 – H isn’t going to work on these issues, they can’t be overcome. He thinks the marriage is probably over. Fantastic.

We talk over the course of the weekend, agree to table to kid discussion, go to marital counseling, and H agrees to move forward with the purchase of the house – says he really wants to try and give everything his best shot.

A very long story short, two weeks before we were set to close on the house, I had to pull the plug on buying the house because in short, my H became a completely different person. It’s like he snapped. He started screaming at me for everything. Said he woke up and decided that he was going to quit being a people person and stop worrying about what other people thought of him and that was his new attitude and I could either get on board or get out. When he learns that I will cancel the contract on the house, you could’ve knocked him over with a feather. He thanks me for it and out of the blue moves out the next day. Bomb #4. This was three days after he sat and held me while I was crying on the floor, promising me he would never go anywhere and that we were going to work through this.

We go to MC where H basically refuses to talk about why we are there. But that he’s committed to working on the marriage. I talk to him over the weekend – think we have good conversations, are making headway, we go out to dinner, H leads me to believe this is a temporary thing – he only booked his hotel room for two weeks. I’m thinking we’re going to have a cool off period and really dig into this.

Three days later – he tells me he’s lied about his commitment to working on the marriage. He says that he’s checked out, has been checked out for two years, that he resents me because he feels he did everything around the house and he felt like a caretaker and not a husband, that I ruined the relationship between him and his parents and when we got in the fight about his mother while he was out of town, he realized he was “done” with me, and that he didn’t have it in him emotionally to work on the marriage. So Bomb #5-8. I beg and plead at this point – because I had no idea that he felt this way at all. No Indication from him. EVER. Always telling me how good of a wife I was, making plans for the future, showing affection. I am literally GOBSMACKED.