A Lifetime Movie Starring GB #11

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks GG, my girl Mighty, BK, Cali, Gwen and Shining. I do appreciate every single comment here. Thanks for your support and just listening to me ramble. On and on and on.

I don't really miss my h. I miss having someone although I can't say I particularly miss him. Sometimes, that in itself makes me sad. I've cried more in the last month than I have in over a year. And I'm not a crier. Although, I miss what I thought I had and my intact family. Yet, I feel nothing for him. At least at this moment.

I cannot help but think this overwhelming desire to have $ex with whoever has something to do with my ED. Or the stuff associated with my ED. ED has been under control for years but it is always there. The control maybe? Again, I don't feel anything towards any man right now. I feel like a shell (hopefully one of the pb flavored magic shells you pour on ice cream)

Cali, you said something that made me think. You said I had the stones to admit that I have this overwhelming desire to have meaningless $ex. I am at a point where I am trying to be authentic and honest. With the exception to my children, physical touch from anyone almost revolts me. Literally. I hugged my bf Saturday and I had to do it a couple of times not to *feel* that sense of repulsion. And she's beautiful and wonderful. But I want to be in control and dominated (not necessarily in the $exual sense) at the same time. I hope this isn't TMI-it is a bit of an overwhelming feeling right now though. It is the strangest yet most pervasive feeling I've had in years. I cannot quite describe it.

I grew up in a very looks focused household. My mother was an xyz Queen and she never got me. Or we never got each other. The definition of different peeps. That I have moved on from. We just saw things differently. She just grew up that way and we see certain things differently. She did the best she could and her intentions were pure. She is beauty queen and I'm kind of granola. I both hated and wanted attention for my looks. Isn't that crazy? I used to keep myself a little chubby because I hated how much attention my body got. And at the ripe old age of 42, I actually get a ton of attention based on my appearance and I don't get it. Beauty is fleeting and it's what's on the inside that matters. Xh used to always say "you get noticed so much from the guys and you never even pay attention." Strange. Again, I'm not Giselle. Hails no I'm not even Giselle's big toe. Still, something isn't connecting for me mentally right now.

Thanks for listening.