About your H, he's angry but it may not be at you. That may be where he's focusing it and it's hard to hear the anger directed at you but you don't have to accept it.
You can calmly respond, "I informed you after I had a chance to digest what she was saying and find out more clearly what happened.." Then suggest that he contact the school and asked to be put on the emails that the school sends you. Take yourself out of his loop. I wouldn't validate any more than his need to know what's going on with your D but put him in charge of making sure he gets informed and it doesn't have to be by you.
Step out of the role that frustrates you.
As for your dream response, you've had a lot more work than he has, don't expect that anytime soon.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Before H left, I told him about the procedure I had and that it showed no cancer. What I haven't told him in the week since he left is that I was prescribed a new medication which then caused some terrible side effects and I had to stop taking it. So the original reason for the medication is not being addressed. It's a mess, and he has no idea. I feel you, girl, it would be nice to have someone that actually cared about me.
As predicted, derm said it was nothing. I responded to H. Validated his concern that I didn't share info with him, and added this:
I'm sure that if you reached out to (teacher), she would make sure that you are included on all future emails of this type. I don't believe it was an intentional oversight, so I'm sure she'd welcome the chance to improve the channels of communication with both of us.
I'm looking forward to meeting with (teacher) tomorrow (at PT conference) and turning our focus onto how we can all support D at this time. Despite the fact that you are frustrated about how you heard about it, I know that your top priority is to help D work through her feelings in a healthy way.
Taking lots of deep breaths today, trying to remain centered and true to myself. Trying hard to not keep score or harbor resentment, and certainly trying not to have any expectations of him or my M.
Suddenly really, really nervous about this PT conference tomorrow. I have to role play in my head how it would look and sound if I really was detached, because otherwise, I know that I come across as phony. But I find it hard to fake warmth and friendliness, especially when my chest is tight from anxiety over this.
Deep deep breaths. And time to give back to someone else around here.
1) My beautiful, bright, curious, loving, silly, healthy, resilient, amazing daughter. 2) Finding my inner strength. 3) My supportive friends and family. 4) A job that I love to do, and can feel good doing it. 5) Smart and supportive colleagues. 6) A comfortable, safe home. 7) This community which has helped me immensely.
And there is much more to be thankful for, today and every day. Best to you all.
More gratitude, and another person on my healing team: physical therapist who explained to me that my pelvic floor issues are caused in part by the fact that my whole body is lopsided, and we are going to work on correcting that. Grateful to have found this PT practice, and that I now have the time and energy to put into healing my body.
Maybe there will be a real marathon in my future after all!!
Ok, another co-parenting sitch I'd love some perspective on:
H had D wed-thursday night. "She" called me to say goodnight on Wednesday (which is unusual). And it was great to speak to her. I texted yesterday afternoon to ask when would be a good time to talk to her. He texted back "we are eating now, not sure if it will work out because there are so many people here, blah blah, but I'll try" And then, "I want you to know that if we don't get to call you it's not for a lack of trying".
I responded, "I know you will try, and if it doesn't work out, please give her a hug and kiss and tell her I'm thankful for her".
Probably not a great idea to push myself into his tgiving dinner like that-- maybe came across as needy.
But I cannot imagine that if he requested to talk to his D on a holiday, no less, that I would say, "I'll try, but I'm not hopeful it will work" like he did.
Resolved...next Time I won't ask, I will just call and ask to speak to my 4 year old D.
Thinking of bringing this up at mediation on Friday. I'm annoyed at his behavior. Do I get to express frustration (you know, like he did to me last week?)
Would love thoughts...
I think I've let go. I really have almost no desire to be with this man.
Claire- FWIW, I think its totally reasonable for kids to speak to both parents on a holiday - I don't think it pushing yourself into his holiday - you're participating in your daughter's holiday in a reasonable way. My STBX facetimed the girls yesterday (without arranging ahead of time), and while I really don't want to hear his voice right now (I had to leave the room), I didn't even think twice - its important for the kids.
I would bring it up in mediation and get their perspective on how to handle for the future (schedule a call ahead of time etc.). I think some of these details can be emotionally charged and having a neutral third party can be helpful. My .02
Wow., he just texted me saying that he'd like to speak to D tomorrow if there is a good time.
No mention of the fact that I asked him the same thing yesterday, and he said, "I just don't see how that will work, because it's so crowded here and she wants to sleep in a room with her cousins and blah blah blah, but I'll try. And if it doesn't work, it's not because I didn't try."
I have no words.
When he dropped off our D today, she told me (in front of him) that she was sad yesterday because she missed me. And then when he went to leave, she made a sad face and walked away from him with her head down. I didn't say a word.
A man who would not say to himself, "ok, I don't feel love for her, and our marriage wasn't working, but she keeps liking things on FB that are full of optimism... what do I have to lose by giving it a shot? My D has so much to gain."
A man who has such a pessimistic, negative, hopeless view of life...and me...is not someone I need in my life. There is power in realizing that. I think I've been afraid to admit that--afraid to give up on him-- but I think it's time to let go.
What was wrong in our marriage started long ago. While I don't regret marrying him because that allowed me to become a mother to a wonderful girl, and I did have some very happy times with him, his family and friends. .. there were always some very important things missing for me in the R. I don't miss feeling lonely while in a supposedly loving R. I don't miss feeling judged and disappointing again and again. I don't miss feeling unheard by the man who was supposed to love me. (Now I still feel unheard, but at least there is no pretense of love!")
