Just got off the phone with H. Trying to plan this week between my work and all that.
He said he'd be picking D up from school except for a Tuesday to help me out since I work late on Monday and Wednesday and don't want her waiting for me at school that late. Here's our convo:
H: just so you know, I'm going to be at the house a lot this week. You know? With picking up D and all?
Me: why? You can't go back to your apartment?
H: well everything she needs is at the house and it's just easier.
Me: she just spent the entire weekend at your place, I'm confused about why you guys need to be at the house if I'm not here.
H: well, I don't have the luxury of having accumulated close to 8 years worth of stuff for her and she doesn't have a playroom here and all that!!
Me: well, she doesn't need 8 years worth of stuff but what kind of stuff do you need for her?
H: you know, toys and stuff.
Me: she doesn't play with toys, she reads.
H: well, there are things at the house I need sometimes and I need to be able to get it.
Me: like what?
H: like a sweater (his closet is completely empty here at the house), or a cable for the studio, or a tool.
Me: I have no problem with you getting what you need out in the garage.
H: well, that's good to know.
Me: I just feel I need to set a boundary here. I don't see any reason for you to be here if I'm not here.
H: well, there are things I need. Like wine that is delivered to the house or Amazon stuff that's delivered there or whatever.
Me: I have no trouble with you taking what you need when I'm here.
H: but you're increasingly not there and stuff and I don't know when you're working and it's just hard to coordinate.
Me: look, it's no biggie to just text me and say, "I want to grab a few bottles of the recent shipment of wine that came in, is tomorrow at 5 good for you?"
H: I guess I could do that.
Me: yeah. And I'm not a punitive person, I'll tell you if it's convenient or not but I won't keep you from your stuff if I'm home.
H: that's good to know.
Me: and if you have so much of your stuff here, why don't you get a few boxes and pack up the rest of your stuff?
H: maybe I will.
Me: ok, then you'll have everything you need.
H: ok. [silence]. Do you think you can meet me and D at Starbucks with her meds at 7:30?
Me: oh. Hmmm, I was planning on staying up late and editing these last few sessions but I'll get up early, sure.
H: I know it's probably annoying for you.
Me: I'd tell you if I couldn't or didn't want to and I know you'd solve that problem. I've never implied or even suggested it's annoying, I don't mind so I'll see you at 7:30.
H: ok, I'm just trying to shadow box you.
Me: no shadow boxing necessary. I'm a grown woman. If I can't do what you've asked, I'll let you know.
H: ok. See you in the morning then.
Me: k.
I'm proud of myself. I was generally calm, straight forward and unwavering (all new things for me) and I don't *think* he's harboring secret resentment about my boundary. He's notorious for agreeing to something but being SUPER bitter about it. He doesn't like following rules, least of all rules I've placed down.
Hopefully I didn't push him further away by suggesting he come get the rest of his stuff but it makes sense for him to have it, right?
