Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt.2

[UpperCu]

Thanks for sending the validation cheat sheet and for all of the pointers Wonka. I see how I have made her feel like her feelings are not valid. I'm realizing this was a major issue in our R, I often steam rolled her attempts at expressing her feelings to me. You would have made an excellent pre-Marital counselor

W approached me today to talk about moving out. Her married friend is offering to let her stay with them.

I wish I could remember all of what she said, but I don't at the moment. But, she poured out a lot feelings and I used a lot of the suggested validating responses. The more I validated, the more she opened up.

To be honest, this way of talking felt REALLY awkward and unnatural. I know this will get easier; but I am seeing that for this to "work" I have to change how I think. I have to actually CARE about her feelings in order to not sound like a robot. I have always cared about her, but I don't think I've ever really given a damn about her feelings... Sorry W

W is still very concerned I might snap and decide to file a lawsuit against OM. I've told her I have no desire to drag her, him, and myself through an extensive legal process. She is not convinced, and I told her that I can understand why she feels like that, but I reiterated that I didn't want any of this and I am not going to be the one to drag her down, I know she is already in a tough place since all of her family and friends are giving her tough love right now.

I asked quite a few open ended questions and she gave me a lot of information, including how she wants to sleep around once we're separated, although she says she hasn't done that yet. At another point she talked about how upset she was at her brother because he has pretended to support her, but when she told him I might sue OM, he said "good, you deserve that, you're a slut."

She seemed to prefer the way her sole supportive friend described the sitch - not as an affair, but instead as "cheating multiple times." W seems to have convinced the friend she is over OM. Now THAT is some BullSh!t, IMHO.

So, the convo ended on a positive, if not weird and distasteful note for me. Before we parted ways, W asked me "how far away is XXXXX City from us?" I told her the answer, and immediately went to verify why she was asking this... Turns out one of her very attractive male childhood friends is visiting a nearby city. She has confided in him about the sitch.

I could have done without this next part, but too late now... As she was getting dressed up and putting on makeup, I confronted her about why she was visiting this friend. She blew up and said "How did you even know that??" and "I'm not visiting him until next week, and if I wanted to hook up with him, I would have done that anytime in the last 15 years!!! I am not interested in him that way, he is just a friend! I really don't see why you even care anymore. I want out of our M and you are so jealous!"

I can see now why MWD says no spying... I'd say it probably made matters worse. She was PISSED and declared that she was moving out and that we are OVER.

I wound up fessing to W that I had been monitoring her computer use. She asked for me to delete the program I installed from the computer. Kind of funny, as she stood behind me, she said "Oh wow I had seen something pop up from that program and didn't think anything of it." WTF? She is so naive...

Although this blew up, honestly, I don't think it ended being that bad. Sure, she says she is definitely moving out, but she has been saying that for a couple months. We wound up talking quite a bit more and W accused me of being obsessed with her, and I think I pretty clearly explained that I was not obsessed with her, but that I simply had ZERO trust for her and was acting to protect myself and fact-find in response to the months of lying. She seemed to actually respect why I was doing what I was doing and later apologized for calling me a stalker. I apologized for the spying and said "I understand if you don't see why I did what I felt I had to do, but I am hurting through this and I've been lied to so many times I don't know what to believe." She really seemed to get where I was coming from.

I think she is definitely going to move out and I don't blame her. And at this point, I'm ready for something to CHANGE. My personal boundaries have been crossed and she is consciously crossing them and TELLING me she intends to continue to cross them. She feels that she wants out, and I'm certainly not blocking the door.

I don't think my DBing journey is over, but its going to have to happen with her outside of our home, since she seems set on living out her dreams of promiscuity and proving her independence to the world. I am excited to see her BGPs kick in when she is living on her own. I know that her first paycheck is going to disappear into paying off her credit card bill.

I'm excited about some 180s and GAL's I have ahead: I'm applying to graduate school, I have a couple of ski trips planned with friends this winter, I am spending the holidays with friends, I just joined a basketball team through my church, have another IC session on the horizon, I have a big role in the Christmas service at my church, and I just bought a Bob Dylan best hits CD for $2 at Best Buy. Life is good!