3 months after BD, the roller coaster ride hurts

[Maybell]

It is hard, and I couldn't do it.

What are some GAL activities you can do from the couch? If you have a smart device you can download a language app and try out a foreign language. I'm thinking of starting to read poetry in addition to fiction when I'm home alone in the evenings. Pinterest has some gentle yoga videos that might be appropriate while you're healing -- I kniw for sure there are a number of practices meant to be done from your bed. There are TED talks, free online courses on all kinds of subjects, etc. GALing is the best aid to detaching there is.

I realize your options are limited at the moment but even just brainstorming your options is better than just sitting there stewing.

Good luck!

[Vanilla]

Devotee

I am replying to your post on your thread rather than mine as I wanted to read your sitch first.

Thank you for your support.

If you have read my sitch you will know my H is compulsive including alcohol, which he dosn't want to give up. Alcohol messes with the mind and physiology of the body. It can make MC almost impossible because you are dealing with the views of the alcohol not the drinker. I can't tell how far down the road your H is and probably neither can you.

You need extra help if your H is alcoholic or a borderline. I would strongly suggest you contact an AA support group for loved ones of alcoholics to determine if there is a very serious issue. This will give you support for you. AAnon is free and there are usually online support options, please make a call. They may also know how you can get medical help too. Please don't fall into the alcohol trap yourself, it can become easy to do.

This is a harder road because of H's use of alcohol.

You must first and foremost put you first. I can only repeat what Sandi and MrBond said to me. Protect yourself and if you are in any way at risk of physical abuse- get away.

Prepare

Vanilla

[devotee]

I have been trying to read books online on the couch. That helps for sure. And the yoga sounds exactly like what I need! Thank you for the suggestions!!

As for H, he is an alcoholic, but he manages it pretty well. He only drinks about 1-2 weekends a month. He's never been violent with me and I don't fear that he will. He has always been an advocate for the safety of women.
He hasn't had a drink in almost 2 weeks which is good. He's trying to connect with me again with affection and intimacy. I have allowed him some but only because I'm craving and wanting it. It's on my terms. He's still sleeping on the couch.
I'm trying to be patient with myself and allow time to pass and not always be so eager for action. I know he's confused and needs time to figure his crap out. Meanwhile I had coffee with one of my best girlfriends tonight. We did talk about my situation but we also had fun and talked about a bunch of other things that were actually uplifting. A good night for sure.

Thanks again for your advice!!

[Ggrass]

I don't know what to say but my h1 was an alcoholic. In the early days I thought you drank on weekends and then if sober all week your not an alco.

As time wore on h1 always drank gg always drove, often he spewed in public leaving me feeling embarised and feeling like I could not trust him. He had anger issue as he got older. He refused to get help and his drinking became more all or nothing. if I don't have any I'm not a drunk and don't have problems. He got to the stage he would have one and be unable to stop.

His life went on after he had a accident he said "I will never work again" so far 18 year later this is still true. I Left him. He's still sitting in the same place he was left, 11 years ago. He plain doesn't want to do the work.

If he doesn't see a problem he thinks he doesn't need to do anything. He needs to see there is a reason to do anything until they know they need to do it you cannot do anything. The only reason why h1 doesn't drink now is he cannot afford it. Simple.

He has slighty address his anger, but now he's weak and refuses to even disagree with any one especially me. Mind you a guy I work with days said he would be terrified to pi$$ me off as he knows I would be dangerous! Lol quote "I would kick his ar$se"

It took 5 or 6 years of h1 ranting I lost every thing, before he even started to walk it.

[Ggrass]

As for gal, cross sitch croquet knitting embroidery reading puzzles.
Card making stamp collecting
reading about dog training or other things that interest you.
Jig saw puzzles... Um anyone???
Patch work painting drawing

[Vanilla]

gg

You are looking at my H too. I once said maybe all alcoholics are one man with different body suits.

Devotee
Do some reading and decide. If you post there will be listeners and responders.

Peace

Vanilla

[devotee]

I love all your suggestions, thank you!
Ggrass, my husband is similar. He either binge drinks for 3 days or he doesn't drink at all. It's been over a week since he's drank and he says he quit again but not sure if I believe him.

We had a few good days and were intimate two nights in a row. I think we both just needed that, and things went back to roommate status after it. He still sleeps on the couch, I'm in the bedroom. Kind of awkward long TV watching day today. Still no R talk. I had a good Friday night at coffee with a friend, and had s blast djing last night. There's one guy who is really into me and we flirt a little. I don't let it go any further but it's a nice distraction from home life hell and it's also good to feel attractive and interesting to someone. I'm djing again tonight... Hope I can remain positive.

[devotee]

I'm doing ok. Still on the roller coaster because we've had a week of really good days. The difference is as soon as he starts pulling away again I can manage my emotions and let him do what he needs to. I focus on not trying to control him. I'm working on myself and enjoying when we get along. But I also have to be realistic and not stick my head in the mud. If he's not making progress and working on himself, I don't want to be held in limbo forever. It's been 6 months since the BD so I know I'm still early on compared to most people here.

[devotee]

It was H's bday today. I made him a yummy dinner yesterday and spent most the day with him today. I got him a cologne that he had tried a sample of and we both loved. He looked sad when I presented him with the wrapped gift but whatever. I had to work tonight and we watched some TV after I Got home. I also invited him to sleep in the bedroom with me tonight but he declined.
I'm trying not to let it bother me and let it roll off my back and not give him a reaction.

I'm noticing a lot of attention from a male friend of mine. I enjoy his flirting and interest in me but I'm not pursuing it. He knows my situation and that I'm standing. So tempting though when I'm depressed and neglected emotionally by H.

[Vanilla]

Great to see you posting again devotee.

I can understand that you might find OM attractive as a proposition. That you are flirting can be good harmless fun. As you are here to try DB and work on your M then of course you may want to examine why you feel that way. It is just passing distraction or a real temptation even if you are not going to act on it?

I still feel that the alcohol issue needs to be addressed. You can go to Alanon on your own without your H going to AA. I really urge you to do that as the support you get will be amazing. Heavy drinkers can have some very serious issues with intimacy and depression is almost a given in this situation.

It is not unusual for compulsives to reject spouses merely because their presence is a break on their addiction. It is likely that your H behaviour is nothing to do with you. But you might be enabling H in his drinking.

I want you to have the help you need and the good folks on this forum will be invested in you not your H.

Six months with a compulsive and limited practical support can be damaging. So if we are going to concentrate on you, then can you discuss being controlling with us please?

Can you outline in which ways you are controlling?

Can you be very specific and full in your outline, it would be good to start by telling us when the controlling started and a little of your family background, how you and H met and how you interact.

What are the results of your controlling behaviour, what have you done so far to make changes and how has that worked?

Sounds to me like you are doing well dealing with some aspects of your sitch.
Vanilla