Ok, clearly I need assistance with gently but solidly laying down boundaries.
I texted H this morning as I do every Sunday when he H's D saying she needs to do her piano homework and practice and how is that going to happen.
Why must I be the sole person responsible for this stuff? I got a call from the school last week because D didn't do her homework. She was with him the night before. I talked to him about it. His response: "I can't even figure out what she's supposed to do when I look in her folder."
Really? REALLY? You can't figure it out? Ask D? Probe? Draw conclusions?
He starts off everything with an argument with her and then wonders why she's so rude to him and sassy. Then he gives up because "it's just not worth the argument with D". Her doing her homework isn't worth the argument?
My suggestion this morning, as it is every Sunday morning, was for him to come get her piano book and practice in his studio at his apartment.. He suggested they'd just come over to my place and practice on the big piano. I said nothing. He comes over, sits on the couch, looks through magazines, I get D something to drink, get the piano book and pencils and then go about my business.
I'm in the middle of vacuuming and doing laundry when he comes to me and says, "I can't figure out what she's supposed to do". I say, "It's all written on the homework sheet the teacher sends home. I think you can figure it out" he addresses my tone. I tell him, "there was no tone. I believe in you to figure it out. I'm 99% involved in every single little thing! I know you can handle this"
Five minutes later he says, "I'm getting the vibe you don't want us here so we'll be out of your hair". I say, " there's no vibe. I'm going about my Sunday business as if you're not here. I'm vacuuming, editing photos and doing laundry. I'm emitting no vibe of disdain or resentment. I simply don't want to be responsible for her piano homework on your weekend while you sit on the couch reading a magazine." He said nothing.
After 30 minutes he said, "from what I can figure out, you've already done the homework, D". I say from the laundry room, " no she needs to finish it, she didn't complete it yet". He says, " well if you knew that why didn't you just tell me that?"
I say," because it's written clear as day on the homework sheet, 'please FINISH page 18'. I thought that was pretty easy to understand."
He said, "oh, I didn't see that"
Really? It's freaking HIGHLIGHTED in yellow at the top of the page. This is so indicative of his "help" pre BD. In order to get his assistance or for him to take responsibility for anything, I have to walk him through it, hold his hand and help him help me. Then he gets upset at my tone. And yes, I'm aware that I was slightly condescending. I don't like that but I'll say that the degree of my condescension was better and I didn't just let him off the hook like I used to.
I need to work on all this but I also think I'm still a crutch. He told me during the week that he doesn't have any pants for D. What do I do? Pack some up for him. I should have said, there's a great sale at Old Navy and we get a discount there. Instead, I did it for him.
We're only separated in living arrangements. I'm still taking care of him, picking up his messes and making things easy for him. I pay all the bills, buy all holiday presents, maintain the entire house,
I need a nice way to draw a boundary without him "addressing my tone" or seeing me as the b!tch. Is that even possible?
