Everyone was right...especially 25yrsmlc..

[25yearsmlc]

I wasn't in your home or a witness to your marriage. I can only go by what you write here, and my personal experience as the daughter of an alcoholic, and as a DBer.

Hello...my father never drank. We did not have alcohol in the house. He may have been a "workaholic". He provided well for his family and spent a lot of time with us during the winters when his work slowed.

I get it...I truly do...he wants out!! I know. I get it and it is clear. I gave him what he wanted. The kids and I moved out and D is in process.

Just for the record...we did go to 3 intense marriage sessions in the 4 years he was home. Pretty sure similar to Retroville.

IF it were similar to Retrovaille and it didn't work or last, then that's that. I mean, what else can one say?


Anyway, it just hurts and I am honestly just looking for someone to tell me its not my fault. I was a good wife and a great mom. I worked, kept the house always had a hot meal waiting, etc etc Just like many other women.


I don't know what you were like as a wife. I DO know it's not your fault and that you accepted him back into the marriage when a lot of women would not. You sound like a great mom and a good housekeeper as well. You made sure the needs you could fill, were filled.

That's about as good as we can be, isn't it? And yes, for most people it would be enough. And it might have been enough for your h as well. But he's also a problem drinker and not always very honest or honorable with you...

Regardless of the reason, that's just true.

It is in my head that if I wasn't enough for HIM I will never be enough for another man if there were ever to be one. Like there is something wrong with me.


Seek professional help for that mistaken belief. You can't get assurance from strangers, that will effectively help you, until you choose to believe good things about yourself. The symptoms of thinking it's a reflection on you are exactly what I described in how I felt about myself and my dad's drinking.

But as I asked you, do you think your KIDS should feel responsible or at fault for your h's drinking? I will assume that you do NOT believe or want them to believe that they played a role in his bad choices.....so why not apply that same rationale to yourself?

In my head I know I deserve better but my heart isn't there.

Where the head goes, the heart will follow...in time, if you let it.

I still love him. And If you knew him you would be as shocked as the rest of us. He seemed like a different man the first few years he was back but yes, he back slid. Quit doing the work.

I'm sorry that's what he chose to do. But again, it was HIS choice and his alone.

So now, back to YOU...

Anyway, it is embarrassing to type some of this. I sound pathetic. Some days are better. But, really I do know life is too short and I want to enjoy it with my kids and friends and not wonder about the crap anymore.

Now you're free of that. In time you'll feel better, and of that, I'm sure.

Where he is who is he with. I do want to know he will be miserable though.

Anyway, off to church we go

I can't promise you that he'll be miserable and or that he'd let you know if he was.

But his happiness/misery are NOT indices for yours. They are not barometers and you must stop that scorecard business.

You want to compete and measure his misery b/c only then will you feel that he made a mistake....but that's not coming from a place of love. It's all ego.

Why not make yourself happy and let that be your "revenge", you know the adage, "the best revenge is a life well lived"...

he has nothing to do with your happiness. You are in charge of it. Pay no attention to his life or claims of misery or happiness. Don't fool yourself into thinking you'll be happier if he's miserable anyhow.

B/c if he is miserable and tells you so, BUT does Not then come back, I think you'll feel worse! And if he is happier later on, you'll also feel bad. So either way you simply cannot make your happiness about him. Too much of a "lose lose" scenario there.

Seriously. Let's talk about what YOU are going to do to make this coming week a good memory for you and yours.