I think the enormity of what I am about to do has just hit me. I about to leave the freakin' country - my children and my H; what the heck am I thinking! Stress levels are starting to rise and I am trying really hard to remain strong and ride past these wobbles and doubts that I am now experiencing.
Today its worse as I am feeling - He is really going to let me go, he is going to let me leave the country.
When I made the decision it was about me being in control over something in my life - a reaction to what he was doing; a big reaction to him replacing me so quickly. I felt I couldn't go through this on my own, that I needed help and support to help me heal, reset and refocus. I was in a total panic.
I was so sure it was what I wanted to do and that my reasons were solid. But then after he had a yo-yo moment in October I started a stupid fantasy in my head that he would stop me, he wouldn't let me go as he had shown me that even when he was with her he had had thoughts of me and us -
In reality it was just doubts in his head that he was doing the right thing and once he saw me and realized he still had no feelings -LYBNILWY - he knew he had made the right choice to leave and is now getting on with his life - back to her, back to living it to the fullest.
But here I am, my belongings are being picked up on Wednesday and I am a couple weeks from leaving myself - total silence from him, he is really going to let me go. He has no desire to stop me.
It hit me yesterday that this was really it - he has closed the door on us. Obviously denial has been quietly simmering in the background and now I am going through the pain and panic of realization of the reality .....again ...... washing machine on spin cycle ahhhhhhhh
It has not helped that S17 is now staying and my family have gone in to overdrive back in the UK, its all way too much. It going to be hard enough facing everyone as it is, all the questions, the sympathetic looks and talks - its going to be reliving it over and over again. Plus I have all the memories of us there, its where we met, its where we got married.
OMG what was I thinking, this is sounding more and more like the most stupid idea I have had since he left
Don't mind me. Just needed to tell someone what was going on in my head. Get it out.
So many changes in a short space of time, so its understandable that I feel like I am caught in a tornado some days. Currently feeling down, but I keep going, I have no choice, life stops for no one.
