Everyone was right...especially 25yrsmlc..

[25yearsmlc]

and , yes I do realize and hear that he has made it very clear that He is not trying to keep me from leaving or save the marriage or even come up with a good excuse as to why he did what he did AGAIN! Nothing... He is giving me nothing and that is where the my hurt is coming from.
It is truly an awful feeling ...knowing someone for 23 years and they will let you walk out of their lives without a fight.
I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.

I used to believe my dad would quit drinking IF ONLY WE, his kids/my mom, were better. Better grades, better behaved, better church goers, etc. As a child, I felt WE were at fault somehow. I'd cringe when my mom would question my dad about his drinking or what he'd done with the money. I blamed HER at times for "stirring things up"...

Later, I believed he simply did not love us enough. If he did, why wouldn't he stop drinking?

He woke up on weekend days countless times, to discover something horrible he'd done the night before. And yet even his shame and remorse did NOT get him to stop.

(How many times would YOU have to awaken to see a bruise on your child's face, or another dent in the car, to realize that booze and you were NOT friends? That you are NOT a "Hilarious drunk" or "fun to party with", but actually become a real jerk or pass out when you drink...how often would YOU have to experience that before you'd say "enough"??)


IT has taken me decades to learn that WE are not at all relevant to his choices or his disease.

There were times he CHOSE to drink even after he'd gotten through the DTs and chronic insomnia that comes from it...No "physical cravings" were happening but he'd relapse. It boggled my mind. IT confused me b/c I thought I was a factor in his alcoholism but turns out, I wasn't.

It was not about US. As hard as it this sounds, you must learn that you are NOT factors in his choice to drink (except for the possibility that drinking eases his shame). You have to stop taking this personally.

Easier said than done, I know. You think he is giving you up without a fight but in his eyes, the fight has already been lost. And he's right.

I wonder whether your ego is confusing you here too.

He's been drinking too much for awhile now. And you didn't leave him.
Now HE has chosen to leave the marriage again. I know that hurts. But if you learned that he was not with OW on his binges, that he'd go to pass out and not come home for a few days, wanting NO questions asked...

would your feelings be very different?

IF he said he wanted to stay married BUT that he was not going to follow any of your requests and wanted no boundaries placed...would you still stay married under those conditions?

I'm asking you whether you'd stay married to him IF he did not want out of the marriage-- but no other factor changed... IF so, I hope you'll discuss that with your own counselor b/c that's not a very healthy choice on your end, is it?
Dig deep here...because
isn't that pretty much what has been going on, til recently? Til you confirmed HER existence, the rest was going to be complained about BUT tolerated by you, correct? Reflect on that for a minute or two...(but don't beat yourself up about it).


Moving on... here is what you KNOW:

1) He drinks way too much. He's either an "alcoholic" or a "Problem drinker",
(IMO, it's Not terribly crucial to label him one way or the other),

AND

2) He doesn't come home sometimes, & he won't change that-

AND

3) he appears "involved" with an OW,

AND

4) He will Not have ANY boundaries/transparencies placed on his behavior;

AND

5) He says/acts as if He wants out of the marriage.


This ^^^ is what you KNOW.


So your course of action is clear.
1) Protect you & your children financially & legally (see a lawyer asap)

AND

2) Get Emotional/psychological support/help for you & your kids.

Try taking the kids to Al Anon with you. There's an "Al A Teen" program worth looking into. I got something out of it and that was decades ago. There might be a program now for younger kids, as well. Enroll them in IC. You may want to join a support group too.

In sum, this is not about you, except as it relates to your choosing him as a partner. You may want to look into that, and see if some co-dependency issues or the "rescue the bad guy" habits exist.

I'm curious. Was your own dad emotionally unavailable, and or a problem drinker too? Is there a pattern in YOUR life for choosing men who are hard to love?

Okay, enough. I am done with the digression. We know that-

Marriage to your h is not an option now.

Use this^^ clarity to your advantage, by spending NO more time on cheese less tunnels.

Begin/continue the GAL Detachment program asap.


You know HOW, so get your old notes out and begin again.

Try not to waste a lot of time thinking you wasted a lot of time.

You did your best with the information you had at the time. Now you have MORE information and you can make a better decision.

I Hope you'll soon see that the possibility for a better, happier & more sane life,
is now MORE likely.

Finally, please don't be offended, but I say your h has done you a favor. In time, you will probably agree. If you choose to see the glass as half full instead of half empty, you'll see that you have the rest of your life to create the happy fulfilling life you want and deserve, as will your children.

You can do this.

((( )))