Boy! What a tough talk with your W. Phew. That cannot be easy at all. I was glad to see that you two were able to have this talk fairly calmly.
Here are some pointers to keep in mind for the next time you have those types of discussions with W. I can see from my perch that you really didn't validate W and she just completely shut down as shown by her comment: "I don't know how to communicate with you right now."
You really didn't listen to W or validate HER thoughts. You went into a lecture mode. Do you now see this at all?
Originally Posted By: UpperCu
I told her I was open to working on our M and discussing what got us here as long as OM isn't in the picture. She said "you don't get it, he is not in the picture and this is about me wanting to be alone, not about being with someone else. You still think this is about OM. I don't want there to be a WE or an US. Just a ME."
I am seeing a mixture of both entitlement and feelings of hopelessness. The entitlement part is where I think she wants to separate so she can feel that she's "single" and pursue OM for in her mind, she's no longer married. On the other hand, I can see that she's feeling overwhelmed and feeling utterly hopelessness over the years. My sense is that, like many WAWs, they loose their sense of identity in the M. Right or wrong, it is how she feels at the moment.
Originally Posted By: UpperCu
I responded "I am just saying the only context where I am open to working on our M is if he is completely out of the picture. I know your feelings about being alone are very real. I hear you loud and clear. I also realize that we are married right NOW. That means we can always get S or D, but right now we have the opportunity to learn from all the pain and difficulty we are going through."
Why would you bring up S or D if that's not want you want?? I would never mention it ever again. You may feel that there's an opportunity to learn, but W is checked out and ins't interested at all. She's deep in pain and confused so her mind and heart space isn't open to "learning" so she wants out.
Originally Posted By: UpperCu
She mentioned that she doesn't think we got where we are at all of a sudden, rather it was many small things. She doesn't think others can understand that and probably won't.
Damn! This would have BEEN A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY for you to validate W and ask her open-ended questions. For example, "wow...I didn't realize this is how you saw things. What you have to say is important to me. Would you be willing to let me know what you meant by 'many small things'?" Then STFU and listen to her. Don't get defensive or argue with her version of small things.
Originally Posted By: UpperCu
I addressed that statement and her feelings of wanting to be independent and free saying "I see how in our R you fought for our M early on. You made sure we never went to bed angry, that we resolved conflict quickly. You were also there for me when I started a new job a couple years ago. You had a lot going on in your life too, more than me, but you didn't complain. You stepped up and pushed me through it, all the while dealing with me complaining. Our life together became about me. We moved out of state for you to pursue your career, but this ended up being about me and my career. I was fortunate to be successful but that brought the spotlight on me and placed you in the shadow. I get that you feel like you're living in the shadow of my accomplishments, the house we have, the cars, everything is what I "provided" for you. No one realizes the great accomplishments you've made in your career, the hard work you put in. You've been unlucky compared to your close friend, but you know what, I think you will have just as many prospects as her in a few months. You have a lot going for you. You're a catch."
^^ That comes across as lecturing W. There's no real give or take. Just blah, blah, blah. Did you notice that W shut down right after this. It was all about what YOU thought or saw things. You just didn't hear W at all.
I think it would benefit you to get a refresher on the validation cheat sheet.
