Just come back from my trip – had a lovely time and it was great to spend time with my friend before I leave.
Unfortunately it was slightly marred by H popping into my head at the end of the first day and he never really left it. It was my first proper trip away since BD and we would normally text in the evening to tell about our day, then when I got home I had no one to share my adventure with which I found really hard.
I really wanted to contact him but I did not give in to temptation, I know that I would come out worse off if I did – rejected and upset – so I resisted. I have had the desire to speak to him for the past few days, but I have remained resolute and strong. I had hoped that after a few weeks I would no longer have the need to hear his voice :o( It was easier at the beginning and getting harder as time goes on – I thought it was supposed to be the other way around !!
My S17 rang H tonight to tell him about being accepted onto his course and getting the scholarship. H didn't ask to talk to me – asked S if I was in the room (s was prepped to say I was having a bath; I wasn't) and then asked how I felt about him (s) staying in NZ, was I ok about it.
I was sad that H didn't want to talk to me (I know I am doing the NC thing, but that’s not the point!), he is not wanting contact with me anymore which is fairly new. It’s been a month since his last email. I have not verbally spoken to him for 6 weeks. He didn't pick up when S rang him, but he rang back within a minute – it would have come up as Home Phone on his mobile, so I was surprised he rang back so quickly as he didn't know which one of us was ringing him – I am trying not to read anything in to that, but surely he must have been prepared for it to be me ………
This weekend I miss him. I miss us and I miss my old life – it felt safe. I am floundering around, no clue how to be me and who I actually am, no idea what I am going to do and how I going to live; financially, physically and mentally, without him supporting me as the old him did.
Cadet quoted Job saying that a MLC’er has been abducted by aliens and are orbiting earth on a spaceship – I feel like I am on an alien planet, clueless on how I got there, how am I going to get off it and what the heck am I going to do to survive !
Friends tell me I am doing really well, that I come across as focused, capable, confident and brave – I don’t see it, but if that is the case, it is all a front. Inside I feel a mess, like I am going insane sometimes, I am hurting, sad and lonely, I am scared and live in fear of my unknown future.
I can’t believe I will ever get over him, and this. I feel overwhelmed and out of my depth. This is a struggle. Every day is a struggle to keep moving forwards when I really just want to curl up in bed and not move. Every day it’s a struggle to keep distracted enough to remove him from my head, everything I do seems to have him there. Every day I make myself say positive things, think about goals, and make decisions which don’t include him. And every day it gets harder. I keep being told to Keep Going, that it will happen, that positive happy day will come – but keeping the faith is a challenge at the moment.
Today I feel like I want to put my ring back on. After all I am still his wife – even though he decided otherwise; I have no intentions of having anyone else in my life so I question why I took it off – maybe to feel like I had some control over something – only I could decide to remove it. I miss it being there and feel that by taking it off I have given up on my R.
3 days of bottled up emotions = explosion. New experiences have triggered off a response – just not the one I thought I would have.
Sorry for the negativity – I am sure it will pass soon. Thanks for listening :o)
