KGirl con't

[KGirl]

Wow, lots of things to ponder and reflect on. This is not going to be super organized, but here goes..

labug: As to why I don't believe him when he says it's just "who he is" - that feels like a cop out. The whole "it's not you, it's me" thing generally means "I'm just not into you anymore but want to let you down easy." Heck, I said "it's not you, it's me" to a boyfriend before H when really I dumped him because I was super embarrassed of his social skills (or lack thereof). And why not say that, then? And saying it's just "who he is" is so vague. What exactly about who he is prompted him to do this? He hasn't said. You talked about how some people just aren't up for the challenge. I guess I still don't even get what was challenging - things seemed normal and fine to me. Maybe just the basic obligations/idea of being committed surpassed his challenge level?


25- The more I think about what his reasons could be for leaving me .. the more I realize that no reason would be satisfactory/not have me thinking "well if it's X, why didn't he try Y?" If he was just not in love with me, why didn't he make a choice to be in love and do the work to rekindle that? If he found someone else more compatible, why wouldn't he try and talk to me about what he liked about her and see if that was transferable? MAYBE him having some sort of brain chemical imbalance/depression/mood disorder/neurological thing (like your virus??) would allow me to say "OK, I guess there's nothing he could have done to not feel how he was feeling." But then it'd have to be that he really had no idea that was the issue.. otherwise I'd be asking "why didn't you seek help or medication?"

So, no, there is most likely not an answer for "why" he is doing this that would make more sense to me or make me think "oh, ok, I get it. I see why you felt like you had to do this."

Upon further reflection, I think it's boiling down again to perceptions of others. I want to be able to have a one or two sentence elevator speech for what happened, to tell other family and friends, that makes it about H and not about me. And right now I don't have that, and I want H to provide me something I can use for that, but he can't. If I had to summarize what happened right now, it'd be something like "I'm not sure what happened, he just wasn't happy." And I don't like how that might reflect on me, because it could mean I was a crazy b*tch, or that I was completely clueless about his needs and wants, or didn't listen to anything he said, or who knows what. But people have no way of knowing. I know I shouldn't care what they think, I know it doesn't matter, I know I don't owe anyone an explanation. If I was completely starting over in a new place and a new city and no one knew I was married I don't think this would bother me as much. But I feel this compelling need to explain why it's not my fault and that I didn't want this, but there's not an easy way to do that.

I have some more work to do, obviously! Today we had an "wisdom lunch" where someone who has been working in my profession for a long time shares their wisdom. This person in particular I used to work with directly, and actually lives/lived? a few doors down from my house. Anyways, this person has also gone through some very trying times, but has a few more years on me (about 30!) to base his experiences on. He shared some reflective quotes that really resonated with me, and maybe will for some of you, too:

-a quote from Edwin Freidman: "The colossal misunderstanding of our time is the assumption that insight will work with people who are unmotivated to change. Communication does not depend on syntax, or eloquence, or rhetoric, or articulation but on the emotional context in which the message is being heard. People can only hear you when they are moving toward you, and they are not likely to when your words are pursuing them. Even the choicest words lose their power when they are used to overpower. Attitudes are the real figures of speech."
This is something I knew that I already knew. It's the basic tenant of motivational interviewing/counseling - you can't help people change that don't want to be changed. Maybe it's the universe reminding me of what I need to return to?

-and a quote from Will Rogers: "It isn't what we don't know that gives us trouble, it's what we know that ain't so." Self-explanatory, I think.

Speaking of things I already know, I think that also hasn't been helping this situation. I have a master's degree in social work and work in a counseling-type profession, so when others I interact with aren't following that template (active listening, not interrupting, using "I" statements, opening up to others, addressing/speaking your needs) it's very frustrating. I have to remember that not everyone knows how to converse like that, and that I shouldn't expect them to just do that naturally... especially H (who was a business major who avoided all social justice/counseling/feelings-type coursework and experiences).

I do need to work on GAL more. I was doing OK but it's really slipped up in the past couple weeks. Work has gotten the better of me in terms of coming home at 6pm and all I have the energy for is eating, watching TV, and going to sleep. I know I shouldn't use that as an excuse and instead figure out ways to delegate some things or take them off of my plate. Here's hoping Thanksgiving and winter break gives me some time to recharge and use my energy towards other activities. As an introvert who works in a talking profession I get so wiped after spending 6+ hours talking to people in a day :S