Everyone was right...especially 25yrsmlc..

[25yearsmlc]

I know..one minute I think that the other minute I feel like I am giving him a free pass rather than call it like it is...a man who decides he just doesn't want to be married anymore or rarely see his kids.

I'm an al anon "grad", and my dad was a brilliant, well educated alcoholic. It's not the worst thing to be or say.

But in your h's case it's obvious that he is an alcoholic. In a few years, I think you will shake your head at even questioning that now.

Sorry to sound smug or snarky. I simply cannot believe this 1) is even debatable NOW, and OR

2) that it matters what label you attach to it. What possible difference does it make vis a vis YOUR course of action?

I think you have the mistaken notion that "If he's an alcoholic' then -- then You can't have expectations of decency from him. Like he gets a free pass but that's just not true. HIs behavior is unacceptable, no matter what the cause is.

If he had diabetes and refused his insulin and then insisted on driving while he was entering a diabetic coma, I would not give him a free pass. I'd get the he11 out of the car.

I think I recall more of our discussions from 4 years ago now, and where we disagreed.

If you want to debate the terminology, all I can say is, "Why?" What is the point?

Your h makes bad choices NOT b/c he believes they are bad. But his intent is irrelevant!
It takes real WORK to make smarter choices and he does not want to do that work.

He KNOWS every single counselor he'd see, and every healthy woman he'd meet is going to have at least one request of him, = Do NOT Drink.

and he can't/won't abide by that. And the rest of the cards fall where they fall for whatever reason...

You think it's so hard for the kids to go thru divorce and it won't be easy. But that question implies that the alternatvie choice is you all living together in a sober happy home.

But that's NOT the choice "offered" to you. Your choice is to put up with more of this garbage (IF he'll even "allow" you to do that) OR divorcing and living in a sober home, with at least the chance of having a healthy R down the road with a sober man, and NO more drama/pain from him and no more stomach aches wondering where he is OR if he's coming home....

I lived in my parents' home and witnessed their 40 year marriage with my dad never quitting the booze. I wish they'd gotten a divorce b/c I simply cannot believe that in the long run, it would have been harder than what we went through with his drinking.

In any case, since your h is NOT asking you to stick around,

your challenge is to get through this with as little drama as possible. There is not a lot to discuss or obsess over, is there? And Life is too short to spend our time asking questions without good answers. A HUGE regret I have is how much time I wasted and won't ever get back, asking WHY my h was doing/thinking/feeling whatever he was doing/thinking/feeling.


IF he's telling you to move on, dont' wait for another invitation to do so. But I'd sure show him what moving on looks like and please, take care of yourself. Really.

Hug your kids and love them through this. Keep on keeping on...

this will pass and you WILL be happy again, and loved again, and you'll laugh again. IN TIME...