I'm here....feeling a bit introspective, although I'm not "down." Not in the least.
So. My new job. I have an office thingy, right? Yeah. And it's this newly constructed building, and everyone's offices are new. They're all excited, and have their spaces decorated and such.
My office has been naked for weeks. I mean......buck freaking naked. My desk, my chair, my computer, my printer. Naked white walls. OH! And bad lighting. Ladies, we KNOW how important that is.
What seemed, at first, like a superficial "project", actually became more telling of my current state than I would have guessed.
I felt a little ashamed. None of my personality was in my space. Why was that?
I thought I was ok with it....but not really. I lied to myself to not worry about it. People came by and commented. "When are you going to bring in pictures? We can't wait to see how you decorate your office!"
SO...remember the movie, Devil's Advocate, when Charlize Theron's character keeps painting different colors in their condo? Pressured by the other wives?? Eww. I started feeling like THAT.
Ok, yes. It was peer pressure. It was their issue with my space, not mine. They were uncomfortable with my naked walls, not me.
Or was I? Because I love decorating. I didn't love my barren office.
So which is it? Am I rebelling to prove they're not the boss of me? Or was it something else?
*****sigh*****
Fear. Dang it. Fear fear fear fn fear.
I put some kind of ridiculous self inflicted pressure on this project. So, as silly as this may sound.... I HAD TO DIG TO FIGURE OUT WHY I WAS DOING THIS TO MYSELF.
Here's what I came up with.:
1. (Dangerous word ahead) COMPARING my space to others, I felt protective of my personal life. I didn't want to display pics without a H. Nor would I display any with H. So.....I opted out.
2. The things people displayed in their offices were things they're proud of from their lives or their talents or their past. Military stuff, artwork they created, plants and flowers, zen garden-looking spaces.... My life and talent and history and background are not visually fitting, or appropriate to display. No....I was not a stripper or anything. The "display able" stuff would just not work. Not here. It would come off as show-offy. It was a reminder of old head-trash..."I don't fit in."
3. I was afraid of opening up and showing parts of me. It felt too intimate. Too vulnerable. I didn't want to be judged.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ IT'S A FREAKING OFFICE, SHINING. NOT A R. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Ok, then I got over myself. Because reality.
That ain't who I want to be. It's not who I was. Time to figure this out and be me. Because I deserve it. I'm worthy of an office that welcomes me each day. It's mine. No rules. I could do whatever I want. Change the perspective, Shining! You GET TO make this your own!!! Whoop whoop!!!! Own it!!!
So, once I identified my hesitation, what was holding me back, I had to leap. And I took one he!! of a leap!!!!
If you must know.....Craigslist has long been a designer in my home.
I enlisted his help again, and found some really fun, nice looking stuff I could afford. Pinterest helped a lil, too. Then, I went shopping in my storage garage. Found treasures. Who knew? I went crazy. Well, as crazy as one can go on a budget of around $14. (Or something close to that). It looks awesome.
Not only that......it FEELS awesome. It's mine. It makes me happy to walk in everyday.
The girls in the office were saying some really nice things about it, too! AND SO DID MY BOSS, LOL!!! I loved it regardless of their opinions.....but, yeah....I'll take the validation. Gladly.
So I smile when I come in. Not only because I love my job, and I love the people there.....but because my office is a reminder of my power to be me. It's a reminder that I still have head-trash to overcome, and that will be a life-long process. And a reminder that I CAN DO IT.
It was also a HUGE reminder, that when I take brave leaps, I tend to end up happier than I would have thought. And THEN I wonder why I waited so long.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Ok....quick update on Wacko Von Cracko.....H has been sending many many texts this week. I respond minimally, because I'm ok with status quo and not seeing him.
Today, I received a picture of his feet on his bathroom scale....he was pointing out his weightloss, as if to say, "Look, mom!"
