Everyone was right...especially 25yrsmlc..

[25yearsmlc]

I just went back and spent a great amount of time re-reading thread after thread about my situation from 4 years ago.
25yrsmlc spent a lot of time commenting on my posts. I can see where I did not listen.
There were things I did right did but I see now my greatest mistake...
I let H come home without doing HIS work first. I worked a lot on myself while my H was living with OW for 8 months...bible studies, counseling, GAL, etc.
H really came back suddenly after mentioning many times he was miserable and unhappy living with OW. I think I may have been so happy i didn't want to wreck anything by demanding too much.

You would not have been demanding "too much". Instead you demanded too little and he ran with it...but I'm not trying to rub your nose in my past predictions.

I'm just trying to get you to see that the ball was in his court and hey, he dropped the ball and isn't chasing after to go get it. (Does that metaphor work?) I want to express myself precisely.

We went to addiction bible study group and church. That was it. He would not go to counseling I or Couple. He thinks counseling is a joke. Would also not address his issues with drinking...even at my request. I prayed and prayed this would work out.

There was much remorse on H's part along with several apologies and being transparent. We spent a lot of time in discussions and went to 3 marriage weekends.

Things have been good...not easy but good. There have been times H would come home and I would notice he had been drinking and probably lying about where he was. We would talk the next day and I would explain why this was a trigger for me and remind of all the nights I waited for him to come home and he wouldn't etc.

You reminded him of your pain and the triggers and, and....and???

(Oh, & not to mention that married men don't go to bars alone and drink too much, let alone not come home, but I digress) SO you told him how You felt...

AND he kept on doing it anyhow. You matter to him, I'm sure.

But there is something else more important to him and that is a simple, painful, reality.

Anyway...about a month ago..H started coming late and smelling like alcohol more often then not. Then a few nights of not coming home at all. Finally, I had to see for myself....
there he was back at the bar where it all began...

I get it.

He was there drinking/drunk and OW was working...he would not even look at me as I tapped him on the shoulder. I finally left because I was so embarressed and humiliated.


OUCH...that's all I can say. The part where he wouldn't look at you AND then didn't come home, wow. I mean, Really, what's there to say??

That night he didn't come home...but the next day he does says he sorry and goes to bed. WOW! Thats all I got.

I asked the next day if he was in contact with OW... he claims no.


Just curious, why bother asking him if he's with her? In fact, why bother asking him anything? Seriously. What specifically are you expecting him to tell you?

Fast forward two weeks I get a hold of his phone and YES he has had contact with her. I confront-he denies and I AM DONE!

I really cant go through this again. the lies, the drinking and the OW.


Someone told me once I was THE "DB Queen/Warrior" and I am sure they meant it as a compliment. But the thing is, for ME

DBing was a once in a life time deal. Sure, there are parts of it I practice everyday and I am grateful for that... TRULY!

But to go thru the whole "ordeal" and DRAMA of that crap again, after what I've been through already? No, NO I could not do it again. IT's not in me.

It'd be so obvious that rather than some fling or MLC or weird EVENT, what my h would be doing if it were repeated, would clearly be a PATTERN of his, and a CHOICE.

IN your situation, I'm not sure your h EVER really changed at all. IF he did, he has clearly backslid and based on his lack of remorse and zero motivation to do a thing about it (refusing to go to counseling is refusing to change. Period. I mean it. His biggest FEAR, (at this time), is not losing you; its losing the booze.

I say all this^^ for 2 reasons. I completely understand the inability to DB twice. Like those who can recover from an affair in their marriage often say, "hey thats a once in a lifetime deal, you got your 2nd chance and there are no more" --I get it....b/c WE can't take it again!! We used up our reserves. I'd feel the same way if h decided "just to visit Alaska again..." I'd say "you can have it!"

I know I'd leave, And I would not look back. Life is too damn short to spend in regrets and feeling trapped.

AND perhaps more importantly, it becomes increasingly clear that this is a PATTERN for Your h.

He's at least a problem drinker, if not an outright alcoholic. He's in major denial about it. He MIGHT not even be at a place where he can admit he does not want to quit drinking but he'd like to want to quit...


But See, I don't think your h is there^^ either. I think he believes HIS drinking is mandatory to HIS "happiness", more so than being married OR faithful to you.

To me that^^ is beyond dispute. He cannot claim to want to be married to YOU and
also get drunk, NOT come home AND be around OW.

SIGH

This is not complicated.
I know it hurts, I know it's hard, but it's not complex. Your h drinks too much and shows zero interest in changing that. He drinks in a maritally dangerous way, and has no interest in changing that either. He's probably having another affair or will soon and even if he isn't, he isn't concerned about you thinking he is. No transparency and no effort and barely an apology...you know what's going on.

It sukks to know but you DO know...and you know what to do. That's why you are stuck, b/c it's a HARD choice to make. But I don't see another option AND besides, I also have come to believe that for most LBSers, not all but most (and you are among them)

life without a spouse like your h, is easier in the short AND Long run, than sticking it out with the drama of an unrepentant cheating drinker...


Your choice is clear, but still painful. I know...and I'm sorry.

I just see no other [option for you. IF there is a chance your h can REALLY CHANGE, and I am not saying there is much of one, but I know the only way he would change in the way you need him to change, would be for HIM TO REALIZE

1) that losing you is the MOST Unacceptable thing that could happen

and therefore

2) HE is willing to do what HE needs to do to earn his way back into your heart. Counselling is a must, no more drinking---and he'll need professional help to quit, as you probably know.

So if he refuses to get help for that, then good luck with him stopping the alcohol and the OW cold turkey. IN other words,

his refusal to go to ANY form of counseling is his way of saying "I want to drink AND be married to you. BUT IF I MUST choose between the two...it won't be you."

Do you WANT To live the rest of your life knowing^^^ that??

If I'm right, then what is there left to talk about?




I really don't want to D but he once again says HE doens't want to get divorced, wants his life back. I asked what are you willing to do this time...He said he would rather gouge his eyes out than go to counseling...so I guess I am done.

I don't know how this could ever improve without it. He does not want to know the reason why he did it...he even says he doesn't know.
( I know I already started another thread..sorry)

I think you are seeking answers that don't exist. Meaning, what answer could exist that would ease your mind or pain?

He has a problem he does not understand OR want to repair. He doesn't even care to understand it! it's not about you; it's about him. He has a problem that he has had for a long time and he has NOT fixed it...and does not want to.

Period. What is there to say now? In a way, you have a lot of clarity here. The choice is a hard one but it's still a simple, obvious one....sorry, but that's how I see it and hey, you did ask...




So, I am much stronger this time. I did the work.. Even after we R'd. I will be okay. I never wanted this though....i fought tooth and nail last time to save our marriage...now its his turn I believe.

OF course it's his turn. You already did your thing and have nothing left to deal with as long as he's around OW and drinking AND not working on a thing....

so, he does not want a turn. Get it? HE IS DONE...to HIM, "trying" means Not getting a divorce...

Assume that he won't do the work and move on. He knows what he'd need to do and how to reach you, if he ever wants to make a different choice.

I don't recommend you wait for him to make that choice. IT's fine to have hope, but don't have any expectations. And seriously, do move on.

If he gets his act together, you can take him back if/when you see him doing the work he should have done 4 years ago...and if not, you'll be in a better place -- that much faster by moving on now.

Make sense? Sorry but you asked me for feedback, and that's my take on it.