Thanks rd500, HPoirot and Toots for the kind words. I feel kind of anxious today, knowing that H will be back tomorrow. But I have been thinking a lot about the whole detaching aspect. I am beginning to think that this is the only way to claim my sanity. By other hand I feel this fear of letting go and find myself not loving him anymore. Since end of July we had the best R, even honeymoon wasn't so good. We could talk more openly and our love was without shame, boundaries... it was amazing. And all those beautiful moments just to split. What a H.ll does this all mean? But you are right rd500, I need to stop thinking too deep into my own imagination and take one day at a time. Toots, it looks we have somewhat the same situation. So my heart goes out to you because I know you are hurting right now. I do believe that time will be my best friend. What is really hard for me is that I have been very black and white my whole life and I like to resolve things. Right now I can't resolve anything. I can just wait. It bothers me that I never made myself financially independent and now I need him to pay for most of all we need. It feels like a giant rock inside my shoe. One thing I have decided, I will be his friend, at least for now, I need to be calm and keep my thinking straight so if it all goes to divorce, I will know how protect my boys and I financially. Toots, it's great that you have been moving forward and finding ways to piece your life together. Sometimes I even feel happy with my freedom, all the things I have been learning, my stronger faith, new friends like you guys... It has been enjoyable to find myself again. I always loved who I was, I am a strong person, I do not waste my time with people that don't like me, I let them go... Life has been hard lately, but little by little I will meet my own self again and will be able to smile, be happy for a change. The hard part is that I love my H with all my heart and found out that I love him even more then I tough. I still didn't decide what to do on sunday when he picks up the boys. What would you advise me? Since it all started I do not call, text, ask for anything, it's always him that initiate, and by the way, he did everyday. Just this week he did not contact me, it's the first time in our lives that we go a week without any communication. I am not sure that I need to hide, go so dark he can't remember I am there. Or maybe I try to be (as much as I can) friendly, respectful, light?
The Thanksgiving trip will probably bother him, but I refuse to give in and wait around for him. I am a big girl and do not need his permission to be happy, period.
Love to all of you. I will read your posts this weekend and try my best to help the way I can.
