Nitty, I can appreciate that DBing is a personal thing and needs to be done for each person and not simply as a way to manipulate a spose into returning. I've made many honest changes for me personally to be a better person. I believe in M, and I truely believe my W and I can get past this and have a very wonderful life together.
DBing is also about doing what works and I can tell you if I stay on this path I will end up divorced for sure. There must be something that can be done to increase contact with W without seeming needy.
That's true, Hoju, I can see you've been working hard. You are in an awful situation and I know the feeling. But try to look at it as an opportunity. This is your opportunity!
As you become a better Hoju by DBing (PMA, GAL, No Expectations, DETACHING), you automatically become more like the man she fell in love with. Better yet, it becomes obvious that while you never wanted this, you are respecting her wishes (not pushing or pursuing her) and are ready to MOVE ON. If there is a any chance in her hard little heart, this will loosen it up a bit.
Anything that focuses on her won't work long term. It might work short term, but then you'll be living a facade that will break down eventually.
I've read countless books... They all basically boil down to the same thing, which DR and DB sum up nicely: Change yourself first. Everything else will fall into place... whether it's what you expected or not (and remember... no expectations! Just focus on yourself, live your life, be the best Hoju you can be.
I'm not telling you, "Ooo la la it's so easy you must be doing it wrong." I'm telling you, "Sh!t! This stuff is hard! I mess up all the time, then I get up off my a$$ and keep on moving forward."
My H & I are trying to reconcile, it's very, very hard. We still live apart. I mess up all the time. I find myself losing detachment then I have to do my mental exercises to get me back in the right place. No one event will destroy it all, no one event will save it all.
Don't focus on increasing contact with your W. You are focusing on the wrong target. Focus on making your life fun and fulfilling. You can't push her into contact, but by being the Real, True, Honestly Hoju, you become the world's biggest magnet if your W is meant to be with you, she will be drawn to you.
She may not be ready. You don't want her back until she's ready, anyway. And what if she never changes? The Real, Honest, Authentic Hoju doesn't want a W who's been acting the way she has. He wants a W who realizes she messed up, big time, and that she needs to work to regain your trust, to make things right.
You deserve much, much better than what she has to offer right now.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
