First of all, I am glad you are here seeking help and thinking about constructive ways to improve your situation. Kudos to you for that.
I know that you are hurting right now and that several others have already weighed in on this. I hope this doesn't come across as a massive 2x4....
Originally Posted By: NewB3
My situation is much like yours, other than the EA. We loved and had no real issues. She lost herslf in our family and finally went to an IC. This was a feminist type that helped her see she needed to have a stronger voice and say what she felt. No holding back.
RAI- I have to say, far be it from me to disagree with my fellow DBers, but I have to really and strongly disagree with this. You certainly had some real issues. I think there's a reason you have received so many responses from the women here, because your description of your wife's pregnancies, post partum periods, and issues with birth control are a little hard to read, without a huge amount of compassion for your wife.
Originally Posted By: RAI
I did try to change and give her 100% leeway in parenting and I was met with more resentment. Now she has 100% leeway and is proceeding with D. How can I show empathy to her now, after what she has done. All the kids are in school in the morning. She has her whole AM and evenings free now. I am coming home 1 hour earlier. I am doing more, but I have a hard time with the empathy.
RAI - I am just speaking for myself here, but I think that most women are not looking for our husbands to grant us "100% leeway" with the kids - we are looking for a partner - someone who makes decisions jointly with us and supports us in raising our families. Have you been that person? It sounds like you know that you weren't
Originally Posted By: RAI
She is non-confrontational. She could have told me she was dissatisfied. Why did she never say anything? Why did she not tell me she was dissatisfied? Why was she so passive, until she walked?
Look, I was pretty non-confrontational in my marriage to, and I agree its not good for resolving differences. But you also say...
Originally Posted By: RAI
He was an unplanned pregnancy - and not our first unplanned pregnancy - and my wife was very upset each and every time. I would always shrug off her complaints
So it seems like your wife did let you know that she was pretty dissatisfied
Originally Posted By: RAI
I admitted my mistakes, I tried to forgive her, and I tried to make durable changes (before I found DB and DR). She still wanted to D. Two weeks later I caught her with OM for the second time. She is now choosing to divorce me. She is choosing OM over me. How do I turn off my own resentment towards her for her choices? How can I love her? How can I come home every day and smile at her? How vulnerable can I make myself?
It sounds like your wife had a lot of issues with being pregnant, breast feeding, early childcare etc. If you add up the years of being pregnant and nursing for 5 kids, what do you come up with? How many years of resentment? Your changes may be durable, but its not realistic to expect that after all this time, she's just going to say "Ok, all better now". From the outside, this looks like it is going to be a long, long haul for you.
Your wife has sought out what she was looking for with the OM. She is not in the state of mind to be receptive to your changes right now, no matter how sincere you might be, but that doesn't mean that will always be the case. Keep up all those positive changes! They are very worthwhile, regardless of the outcome with your wife.
