The Black Knight

[job]

There are a number of people that go no contact w/children. Your children are old enough to be in contact w/their father directly. If they don't want to be bothered w/him, you certainly can't control how they feel or force them to respond to his messages. I, personally, wouldn't worry about it at this point. Why? Because I know you well enough to know that you'll be responding back to his texts again very soon. You'll back paddle and try to explain your stance to him and you don't need to do that. he should already know that if something where to happen to the girls, you would contact him.

If he texts back, let it go. You've said enough and if he's got a problem with no contact, he can talk to his lawyer and explain why you are doing it. Quite frankly, I think he's trying to soften you up to hit you were it hurts, i.e., the wallet.

[job]

Yes, he may be hurting too, but he had choices and he made the wrong ones. He could have returned at any time and tried to fix things between you, but he choose not to. Right now, the only thing I see hurting him is the fact that his wallet is squeezing from having to put money out to fix the home and pay his lawyer and yes, eventually settling up w/you as his former spouse. He actually thought you would be right where he left you until he had enough of the ow and his fantasy life. Shame on him. He is now facing the consequences of his actions.

[LoisB]

Job,

I think you are spot on. He may be hurting, but it's only because of the pain HE is feeling as opposed to the pain he caused. I still see him lost in his world of victimization.

Ok. I will STFU. It's not going to make things worse.

It's so hard. It's like seeing a glimpse of someone you thought was dead.

[job]

The glimmers of clarity tend to pull you back in. It's normal because it happens to all of us until you detach more. We all hungered for the changes and hopefully those changes mean waking up from a deep sleep like Rip Van Winkle. However, when it comes to divorce and settling up the debts/assets, you've got to put the emotions aside. If you don't, the emotions can truly wreck the negotiations, especially if he's being nice because you begin to second guess ask yourself the what ifs.

If he's waking up, time will tell, but I don't think he is. Yes, moments of clarity are there, but not enough to change the course he's taking. The divorce decree is just a piece of paper that is separating everything out and stating what each of you will receive. It relieves you of any responsibility for anything he does out in the cruel world and vice versa. Divorce doesn't mean that a couple can't get back together again at a later time and I've seen this happen frequently.

So, continue to duct tape your lips and be patient. I know it's tough and divorce isn't easy and you can't get it over and done with by waving the magic wand. It's a lot of paperwork and searching for documentation. Once it's done, you'll feel a huge relief and the burden on your shoulders will lighten up. Why? Because you no longer have to deal w/the lawyers or him, except on child issues. Trust me...you'll be fine, but you've got to get through the paperwork and the proceedings.

[Lifes Twists]

The NC comment was a mixed message as I read it. Contact me through my attorney or by text. Not really a NC comment. You left an opening for him to continue to contact you.

I find when I am angry or upset I say to many things. I think it is best to write down what you think you want to say in the heat of the moment and set it aside for later. When you review it you will probably change it a lot. I feel you can say more in a few words than you will say in a novel length letter.

Work on holding yourself back from responding right away. Maybe make yourself a four hour rule or such. The four hour rule is no response for four hours unless it is life or death. this way you can review your response and make sure it is clear and not a mixed message.

[Matt165]

There it is Heather.
That is what I was saying. It's hard because you want the old Smokey to come back. What I read from what he has sent so far is it's STILL all about HIS pain. "I'm hurting, too" is NOT "I know I caused you and the kids so much pain". So what exactly is it that "hurts" him? The loss of his tools? The dead cat? Not once did he elude to the fact that it was HIS choices that caused everyones pain in the first place. Nor did he say not seeing his kids or having a R with them was painful. To me he isn't hurting for any of the reasons you are and think he is. I would be interested in hearing just what part of the sitch is it that hurts for him. I know in the past when I knew my W was hurting, I thought it was because of the same reasons I was or assumed it was because of the things that cause me so much pain but it really wasn't. She was in pain for her own reasons that had nothing to do with the things that hurt me. We want to think that they hurt because they miss their old life. They miss their family or the R they had with us. I don't think any of those things are what is hurting for him.

Stop and take a deep breathe. The NC text is sent so it's done. Stop questioning what you have already done and just consider what you will do going ahead. You're still one of my hero's Heather. You got this......

[LoisB]

Life,

I considered tweaking the message, but I didn't.

Me: Thank you for the insurance premium. This will be my last text. Going forward, send any communication to my atty. Take care.

[LoisB]

Thanks Matt.

That was a killer post.

Yes, his responses were still ALL about him. I know. He's still not able to own what he has done. I must have sensed that because I attacked with those points in mind...I was going to bludgeon him with the truth, just like the old days.

Let's go full tilt with this 180.

[LoisB]

Girls and I went tubing. Had some much needed fun. ;-)

[LoisB]

Thanks for all the support today.