Sorry about all of this. You might be able to specify this in a mediation agreement - but your W would have to be on board.
I know this is a bitter, bitter pill to swallow, but unless there is some sort of active criminal behavior going on, most states don't care about this. You won't be able to keep him away from them if your wife is determined to have him in their lives (there might be exceptions- you can always consult with an atty)
Maybe some others have managed to set some effective boundaries around this, and if they have, I hope they chime in.
I wish I had better feedback for you. My STBX moved directly in with the OW and immediately exposed the kids to her. There's nothing I can do about it.
RAI, You might want to start a thread over on the MLC Forum and link this thread to it.
My first question to you is this...what, if anything transpired 18-24 months prior to her changes in personality?
The "light switch" doesn't switch off automatically, i.e, the crisis is phased in slowly, but surely until one day they "pop".
You must remember, you didn't break her, therefore you can't fix her. The only person you can fix is yourself. Are there things in your life that need to be looked at? Are there things that you can change about yourself that you will be happy with? Do you have a list of hobbies or a "to do list" that's been shelved for a long period of time? If so, get that list out and start working on it.
The last piece of advice...keep the focus on you and your life.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for the reply. I am sorry your STBX behaves that way.
It is indeed a bitter, bitter pill to swallow, but if other DBers are surviving it, then I hope I can as well. I don't even know if it will happen: so far, OMs involvement in my kids' lives is only theoretical. It is just one of my biggest fears and insecurities. OM is shallow and never seemed to like children - not even his own. I don't know what my W sees in him. I can always hope that my bright children will eventually see through his facade. I do not think he is interested in my W in the long term anyway. I certainly do not think he would be interested in taking care of five children - in addition to his four.
As far as criminal behavior, he has buzzed by me in his car a few times when I was out running, but I do not have any evidence supporting this. I have recorded the dates, times and circumstances in my journal, and if he does it again, I will call the police and tell them. I know LBS tends to falsely ascribe supernatural powers to OM, but I really do think he is wicked. I have reached out to my atty to see if they can do a criminal background check.
Quote:
Maybe some others have managed to set some effective boundaries around this, and if they have, I hope they chime in.
others, please please please chime in. Especially if you have strategies for 1) setting boundaries, and 2) overcoming the fear of competition from a potentially hostile OP.
Thanks again RAI
P.S. What does "dropped the rope" in your signature line mean?
As far as what preceded her change in personality, I never thought about it before now. But now that you mention it, our youngest S was born almost exactly 24 months before D-day #1. He was an unplanned pregnancy - and not our first unplanned pregnancy - and my wife was very upset each and every time. I would always shrug off her complaints, saying that it takes two to tango and that we were both responsible for the pregnancies. We BOTH got lost in the heat of the moment. She does not like being pregnant and does not like the infant stage. I also guilted her into breast-feeding even though she always hated breast feeding. I discouraged her from using birth control for religious reasons. I always wanted more children that she did. I think to a certain degree she felt like a baby-making machine and (appropriately) blamed me for it. Eventually she had an IUD placed. I also did not let our children watch television, further increasing her childcare duties. I have no doubt that this was a difficult time in her life. May I speculate that she felt completely out of control? I was not home a lot during those years either, due to my job. Man, I feel like the worst H in the world.
This is a completely novel insight for me. I never thought about it until just now. Perhaps S5 was the straw that broke the camels back. I think I am starting to see my role in this. what's next? What do I do with this insight/information? Someone, please help me along.
I want to help you, but when I was in your wife's position all that I wanted was for my H to be really present, helpful, and involved. And I didn't hate pregnancy and enjoyed breastfeeding. My H had no opinion on the kids' television watching. And to throw in the BC stuff?
I don't know what to tell you, but I hope you somehow communicate some BIG changes to her consistently over time along with a tremendous amount of respect and appreciation. I know what my resentment baggage felt like. I'd guess hers was at least double.
Sorry you're hurting, I wish I had more solid advice. I hope you really have started seeing things with more empathy.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell, thanks for your insight. You do make it sound like a lost cause.
Ugggh... I know I am going to get a whopping 2x4 for this, but I am trying to make sense of this. So I am putting it out there.
I did not force my wife to do anything. She could have gone out and had an IUD placed any time - she did it eventually anyway. She could have let the kids watch television despite my objections. She tried bottle feeding and even pumping, it just did not work for her. The kids did not take the bottle. Perhaps she was afraid of what I would think?
I was present and I did/do a lot of parenting - despite completing a residency and fellowship (I am a physician). I toilet trained the children, I taught them to swim, I taught them to ride bikes, I taught them to sleep through the night in their own beds. I was the main disciplinarian. Despite this, her perception, formulated after the fact, is that I was not present. Her perception is obviously more important than all of that.
I did try to change and give her 100% leeway in parenting and I was met with more resentment. Now she has 100% leeway and is proceeding with D. How can I show empathy to her now, after what she has done. All the kids are in school in the morning. She has her whole AM and evenings free now. I am coming home 1 hour earlier. I am doing more, but I have a hard time with the empathy.
She is non-confrontational. She could have told me she was dissatisfied. Why did she never say anything? Why did she not tell me she was dissatisfied? Why was she so passive, until she walked?
Anecdote: I had an IUD placed. It slipped and I got pregnant anyway.
Life is life and s*&^ happens, despite best efforts. It's how you deal with it that matters.
You have sympathy for her because she's a human being and someone you love. You don't have to like or agree with the things she's done, but you do have to try to see it from her perspective. If you want to be with her, you need to love her anyway and forgive. It only hurts you if you can't get there.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
He was an unplanned pregnancy - and not our first unplanned pregnancy - and my wife was very upset each and every time. I would always shrug off her complaints, saying that it takes two to tango and that we were both responsible for the pregnancies. We BOTH got lost in the heat of the moment. She does not like being pregnant and does not like the infant stage. I also guilted her into breast-feeding even though she always hated breast feeding. I discouraged her from using birth control for religious reasons. I always wanted more children that she did. I think to a certain degree she felt like a baby-making machine and (appropriately) blamed me for it. Eventually she had an IUD placed. I also did not let our children watch television, further increasing her childcare duties. I have no doubt that this was a difficult time in her life. May I speculate that she felt completely out of control? I was not home a lot during those years either, due to my job. Man, I feel like the worst H in the world.
Originally Posted By: RAI
I did not force my wife to do anything. She could have gone out and had an IUD placed any time - she did it eventually anyway. She could have let the kids watch television despite my objections. She tried bottle feeding and even pumping, it just did not work for her. The kids did not take the bottle. Perhaps she was afraid of what I would think?
She is non-confrontational. She could have told me she was dissatisfied. Why did she never say anything? Why did she not tell me she was dissatisfied? Why was she so passive, until she walked?
RAI, seriously, can you not see this? You can't have it both ways. You can't say that you "did not let" your children watch tv and then blame her for not going behind your back. She was trying to be a good W, you just made it really hard.
Why didn't she say something? Did you actually listen? You use phrases like "shrug off her complaints" and "guilted her into" things. Were you actually trying to understand her side?
You have sympathy for her because she's a human being and someone you love. You don't have to like or agree with the things she's done, but you do have to try to see it from her perspective. If you want to be with her, you need to love her anyway and forgive. It only hurts you if you can't get there.
Little, I am trying to see it from her perspective. The part I am struggling with is that she made terrible choices. She chose to go outside the M. How could someone choose that? If your H is selfish and controlling, you go for counselling, no? you don't just walk out on the marriage. 5 months ago, I wrote her a very long letter outlining the errors of my ways. I debated posting the whole letter, but it is really long. If anyone thinks it is helpful, I can post the whole thing. In a nutshell, I admitted to a laundry list of offenses ranging from spending too much time at work, to putting others ahead of her, to being overly critical, to handicapping her ability to parent by refusing television, etc.... I ended the letter with the following:
It is now clear to me that I have not been giving you what you need for so long. I am so sorry that it took me so long to realize how terrible and cruel I have been. I cannot take back any of these sins. The only thing I can do is beg sincerely for your forgiveness, pledge to take actions that will prevent me from ever hurting you again, and vow to put your first in my life for ever and ever. I sincerely hope and pray that it is not too late.
I admitted my mistakes, I tried to forgive her, and I tried to make durable changes (before I found DB and DR). She still wanted to D. Two weeks later I caught her with OM for the second time. She is now choosing to divorce me. She is choosing OM over me. How do I turn off my own resentment towards her for her choices? How can I love her? How can I come home every day and smile at her? How vulnerable can I make myself?
rppfl, I now know my shortcomings as a husband. I was emotionally abusive without raising my voice or my hand. If I could do it again, I would have done it differently. I would have deferred to her in issues of child rearing, prioritized her over my work, suppressed my effusive criticism and replaced it with more praise, and chose her happiness over my self-righteousness. I get it. I was a terrible self-absorbed husband. I did not hear her concerns. I did not listen with compassion.
I am just not sure where to go from here. Grief of griefs. Tears.
RAI
P.S. Job or anyone else, do you still think I should move my thread to MLC?
